TITLE: Salvation

AUTHOR: Shira

SERIES: Gundam Wing

CATEGORIES: Dark/Depressing; Angst; Tearjerker; Taboo/Abuse;

SUBCATEGORY: Anime

RATING: NC-17

PAIRINGS: 1+2

WARNINGS: Angst, sap, physical and mental/emotional abuse, Shonen-ai content in later parts, 1+2;

EMAIL: shira_uma@hotmail.com <mailto:shira_uma@hotmail.com>

The videophone rang suddenly.

"I think I found him." There were a few seconds of silence.

"Where."

"You aren't going to like this...an institution." More silence. "Apparently a mental facility."

"Are you sure it's him?"

"No, since there is no legal name on file at this institution. But the description fits, and so does the time frame. He was arrested, and admitted as a John Doe."

"Give me the details over email. I'm going to go get him."

"Oh...one thing though Heero." Silence again. "Remember...I'm here if you need anything. You four are family to me. You might need my help in this."

"Understood. Thanks Quatre." The videophone went blank as Heero switched it off.

Part 1

It was AC 200, five years after the last war, and Duo Maxwell was missing. Always one to keep in touch with all the other former pilots, Quatre Winner was the one who alerted the others of such. That Duo had seemingly disappeared off the face of the Earth...and the colonies. Heero had been doing some recognizance work for the Preventers at the time, so even he was unaware until Quatre notified him. Nobody had seen hide nor hair from Duo in months, ever since he resigned from the Preventers group. For the first few weeks there was email contact, and then that too dropped off, leaving Quatre with a very uneasy feeling. All his attempts to locate his friend were met with failure. Apparently Duo did not want to be found, but something just didn't sit right with the young Arabian businessman. He'd had that feeling for a while, so he started to search on his own.

There had been an emotional on-again, off-again romantic thing between Heero and Duo that, as of last count, was off-again. Heero was fighting personal demons, trying to "find himself", and figure out whether Duo was really the person he wanted, or whether he was attracted to him simply because of their past lifestyle as pilots and soldiers; children who needed comfort and affection, grasping it anywhere they could. He was still confused. Duo, on the other hand, knew what he needed. He needed someone to love him, no matter who that person was. Things just never melded between Duo and Hilde, and in his sadness, he'd gone back to Heero, who changed the world for him. They were older, they were more mature, and Duo had realized that he definitely could love Heero, if Heero would love him back. Maybe even if he couldn't. It was Heero who kept throwing Duo into an emotional tailspin every time he started to doubt himself. What no one realized at the time was the fact that Duo was battling other personal ghosts as well, so all the upheaval from Heero just made matters worse.

So came the time when Duo had decided that he'd simply had enough. He resigned from the Preventers, giving the reason of needing time to do some "personal exploration", packed up his things and left. He and Heero were at a very cool spot in their relationship at that moment, so Duo's leaving wasn't particularly sad nor unexpected by the other. Neither Heero or Wufei were overly concerned, stating that "Duo was a grown man now and could take care of himself", figuring that he'd probably return anyway. Quatre was the only one who remained concerned about the behavior of his friend, and he bugged Trowa endlessly about Duo's departure, and about the bad feelings he was getting. Feelings that Duo was experiencing a lot of pain that he wasn't letting on about.

When email contact ceased with Duo, after a few months since his departure, Quatre became up in arms and undertook the task of locating him and bringing him back 'home', since everyone else was undergoing assignments for the Preventers. Sure, Quatre was busy too, learning the ropes as head of a large corporate conglomerate. But it was he, of the four, that had the most time available to search. So search he did. It soon became plainly obvious that Duo was nowhere to be found.

Duo knew exactly what he was doing, and where he was going...or so he thought. He needed some time to think. To find himself. To figure out just where his life was going now that there was peace. To come to terms with what Heero had been putting him through. He needed to get away from everyone. There was something in him that kept at him relentlessly. Memories from his past, his long past. Thoughts again of his beginnings and everything he'd been through in his relatively short life and the lives that affected him. The lives the he himself affected as well.

He'd started to have doubts about his actions long before the wars were over, but never gave them much attention until later. He'd always been haunted by the feeling that he was death personified - it seemed to follow him everywhere he went. It made sense to him that he'd eventually wind up a freedom fighter that would entail him to kill even more. He did his best, acting with great zealousness while he was fighting, and after the fact, it all scared him very much. The way he could just put feeling aside and kill like that. It was more than just doing what he was told, or what was needed to achieve a desired result. He'd actually begun to enjoy it. Killing. Then afterward he'd cower in the depression of what he'd allowed himself to do - take pleasure in hurting and killing. He began to think that there was really something wrong with him, because people don't usually lust to hurt and maim and kill the way he had in the past. Beneath that soft exterior and jovial face was the truth - that he was a heartless, loveless killer.

So with that in mind, Duo started to withdraw into himself - the killer. Heero's attentions didn't help matters any either. Before long depression had its foothold, and Duo was having little conversations in his head about what a terrible person he really was to allow himself to do the things he'd done over his lifetime. How could he have let Solo die? He didn't run fast enough. How could he have allowed the Maxwell Church to get bombed, killing the only family he had? He didn't return quickly enough with that mobile suit that could have protected them. How this...how that? He eventually convinced himself that because of his actions, because of things that he either did wrong or did badly, he was being punished. Punished by the deaths of everyone important to him. Punished by being turned into a full-fledged killer. And now, punished by the nonchalant attitude he was getting from the one person that he wanted to open himself up to so that he could try to heal himself.

Feeling that he was totally alone in the world, stuck inside his demented frame of mind, Duo left everything that he had that was familiar to go back to where it all began. He wanted to try to start over again, only this time differently. Without so much as a note, he left the Earth and his job at the Preventers, left his friends, left Heero and everyone else and returned to the streets of L2, looking for...something. He didn't know what. He just thought it was there, whatever it was.

He'd kept in contact with Quatre occasionally, lying all the while about how he was doing and where he was, until the day he hocked his laptop computer for something to eat and a bottle of rum. Duo had taken to drinking in his despair, finding alcohol to be a suitable mind-numbing agent that could, at least temporarily, get his troubles off his mind. He wasn't finding what he yearned for. His soul. He was looking for his innocence, his soul that he'd lost so long ago, so he thought, and he wasn't finding it, which made the depression all that much more present. Without anyone else to help him come to terms with his guilt and his past, now viewed from an adult aspect rather than as the child he was before, Duo slowly began spiraling downhill in his emotional turmoil. There was nobody to pick him back up.

The day finally came that found Duo totally slumped in sadness, inebriated, and angry. Angry that he was himself. Angry at his so-called friends, for not being there to help him, even though they could not have known his troubles. Angry that he'd allowed himself to deteriorate to the point where he didn't care about anything except...being sad. Nothing was cause for any happiness longer than a few seconds, but the despair was ever-present. No matter how hard he tried to change that, some type of sick comfort always came from huddling up with his bottle and his depression and the three would have a good cry together. Or rather, Duo would cry and his bottle and his depression would just watch. At that moment, Duo Maxwell hated himself more than anyone had ever hated himself before. He was drunk. He was dirty. He was useless and nobody cared about him, including himself. It was time to end the suffering that his guilt had bestowed upon him.

His next waking moment was strange, to say the least. He'd woken up in the Police Precinct of L2, incarcerated. He wore handcuffs. He was filthy and his clothing was torn. He stunk of vodka and his head was spinning. Upon questioning the guard on duty that night he'd learned how he'd gotten there. In his drunken depression he'd apparently gone out into the busy streets of the colony during rush hour, screaming at the top of his voice that he was a murderer for the colonies, and how he'd killed fathers and mothers and priests and nuns and children alike. He yelled that if there really was a God, he should be struck down in his tracks to pay for his sins against mankind. Then he'd thrown himself in front of a bus. Much against his little plan though, the bus was preparing to stop anyway, to let off passengers, so he was uninjured barring a few cuts and scrapes. By that point someone had already called the police, and so he was dragged to the Precinct in an alcohol induced depressive rage so much different from the Duo Maxwell that had, only months before, been the proud former Gundam pilot that helped to win the colony wars and the eve war.

He didn't have any ID on him, nor anywhere else, for that matter. He wouldn't give them a name. He kept repeating that "the person that he used to be was dead, so he had no name, unless they wanted to call him Shinigami." After a very loud and exhausting night spent in lockdown at the Police station, Duo was evaluated the next day by a psychiatrist, after his buzz subsided, and was found to be, at least at that moment, mentally unstable. And thus explained the disappearance of Duo Maxwell. Nobody knew where he was. Nobody knew WHO he was. HE didn't know who he was any longer. After a quick court hearing he was placed under the jurisdiction of the colony until someone could get some kind of information out of either him or a relative, and he was removed to the L2 Colony Ward for Mental Patients, a government funded institution.

Part 2

Heero was packed and aboard the first shuttle he could get to L2 by the next morning. After receiving Quatre's call, and then the subsequent email with all the pertaining information, he'd immediately requested an emergency leave from his job. Considering what was going on, with Duo being a former agent for the Preventers, his leave was granted right away. He could stay on salary for four weeks, but after that it was on him. During this time of quiet and peace, it was not a big deal to the organization, but in the event that he would be needed, Heero would have to report back to headquarters as soon as possible. He left, unsure of how long he would be gone, not really knowing what to expect from the information that Quatre had gathered for him.

It had been nearly three years. Three years since Duo had left the Earth to go into hiding. All this time the other ex-pilots searched, with Quatre doing most of the footwork, for any trace of him, just to know that he was at least alive. They came up with nothing. Short of putting up "Have you seen this Gundam Pilot?" pamphlets all over the Earth and the colonies, no one that they contacted remembered seeing him. He'd hidden himself very well. It was during a phone call between Sally and Quatre that the young businessman had asked her for a very large favor, a favor that would wind up making the difference. He requested Preventer authorization to access all classified Police and hospital records on Earth and all the colonies. The only reason why this was never granted prior to this time was because it was still generally held that Duo was gone because Duo 'wanted' to be gone, and it was no one's business where he'd holed himself up, unless he was up to no good. After being presented with Quatre's evidence of his long search, that had ended with virtually no leads as to where the former pilot and agent could be, the heads of the organization voted to allow Quatre free reign on whatever records he thought he needed to find the other young man.

With the availability of this new information, it only took a matter of days to track Duo down. Secretly, Quatre was kicking himself for not thinking of this sooner. But at least he'd located him...so he hoped. That was when he called Heero, who, by that time, was more upset about Duo's disappearance than he let on to anyone. Only Quatre new better.

At first Heero was very casual about the whole thing, and he was not the least bit worried, although he did wonder every now and again where Duo had gone off to. When the months started passing without word of his whereabouts, the concern started to grow. Heero kept it hidden well though, not wanting to let on the fact that he was bothered by it all. Now, nearly three years after they had parted ways, Heero was not only forlorn that he had not seen his friend in so long, but very worried as well. There had always been a special bond between the five former Gundam pilots - a bond that kept them together as friends and a sort of extended family. Even though there had been a romance between he and the other pilot, and even they had been angry at each other when Duo left...there was this growing feeling of loss as time passed. Not just a lost lover, but also a lost brother. There was no answer to the question of what happened to Duo, and that left Heero wondering, and wishing that he could see his friend and lover again. It also left his mind open to the disturbing possibility that Duo Maxwell was dead. Time had apparently helped Heero clear his head, because in all the months and couple of years of Duo's disappearance, he still lived alone and had not been able to maintain a successful relationship with anyone else, male or female. He wanted Duo back, and now he was willing to acknowledge it.

Stepping off the shuttle at the L2 Shuttle port, Heero grabbed his carry-on bag, then went to the baggage carousel to get his suitcase. He wasn't sure how many days he'd be on the colony, so he packed with enough clothing to stay for a while. A week or two at least. Hailing a cab, he first went to find a hotel room, a reasonably priced place suggested by the cabby. They knew all the hotels in the cities. Getting out of the cab Heero put his luggage on the curb, then leaned in the passenger window of the cab, handing the driver a bill. The cabby started to make change, with a hopeful, attentive look on his face.

"Keep it." Heero said to the driver, who nodded and wished him a good day, then drove off. Entering the hotel, he booked himself a room for the week. It was a Friday afternoon.

The room was comfortable. One big bed, a dresser, a desk with an Internet connection, a TV, and a nice bathroom with a deep jet tub. Locking the door behind him, Heero placed his suitcase and carry-on bag next to the dresser, then pulled out his laptop computer from the bag. Connecting it to the net cables near the desk, he propped it open and powered the machine, watching as it went through its startup and diagnostics, until he was able to open his old emails. He opened yesterday's mail from Quatre - the one that would tell him where he would probably find Duo.

"L2 Institute for the Mentally Disabled," Heero read aloud. Grabbing a pen and a sheet from the hotel logo notepad on the desk, he jotted down the name of the place, the phone number and the street address. Signing in to his Preventers online account, Heero checked for any new messages that may have come in. Four. Spam, Spam, Quarterly stock earnings quote, new message from Quatre. The message was brief. "Contact me after you find out if it's him," was all that it said. Satisfied, Heero signed off, shut down and packed the computer back in its case. He paused to use the facilities, then was on his way.

Hailing a cab in front of the hotel, Heero got in the back seat and pulled out the stationary with his scribbled notes.

"195 Independence Wa..." he started, being cut off by the driver.

"Oh...you wanna go to the Nut house?" The driver tried to conceal a little smirk.

"Heero paused and cleared his throat, his face a stone. "Yes. If you don't mind." He settled back in the seat and tried to ignore the callousness of the driver.

"You have family there?" The driver was a middle-aged man, rough around the edges, unshaven, mussed hair, but with an honest face.

"A friend." The cab pulled away and Heero watched his surroundings as they passed by.

After a pause the cabby began again. "Weird place. I've heard all kinds of things about it in there." His passenger's attention was piqued.

"Like what?" came the monotone, emotionless reply.

"Well...I don't know...it could all be hearsay but...it's a government place, ya know? All I know is I wouldn't put any family member of mine in that place." The man cleared his throat and spat out the cab window. "Oh...Sorry. Anyway, like I was saying...it's not like it's a prison camp or anything. It's just that every now and then you hear on the news about things happening in there. Like some retard getting molested or something like that. I guess about a year ago one guy jumped out a third story window there and killed himself. There was this whole 'to do' about whether he really jumped, or one of the orderlies 'helped' him. They investigated the guy, the orderly, right...and found out that he used to beat up on old people at the last place he worked, but they were never able to pin anything on him."

Heero's inner self was getting concerned. "So...does he still work there?"

"Nah...they fired his ass as soon as the story hit the news. Too much bad publicity. I mean, they take care of the state cases there, but they also have people put there by their families who can't afford the ritzy private home. The place was almost shut down after that, but they 'reevaluated' their hiring and training procedures, or something like that." The cabby emphasized 'reevaluated' sarcastically. "So, the Colony let them keep it open. Eh...I'm sure your friend is fine though. Nothin's been goin' on out there in a while."

"Yeah," Heero mumbled, an anxious feeling building inside him. 'This is just great.' He thought to himself. 'Jesus, what if Duo was that guy that died there?' He pushed the thought aside. "How much longer until we get there?"

The grounds of the facility were immaculate. The tax dollars of L2 were at the least paying for good landscaping, that was for sure. The building was very clean, very "sane" looking...old Traditional Plantation style architecture with half-round whitewashed porches and column lined entryways. Three stories high in the main building; just like the driver had said. The stereotypical nut house. The type of building that looks so serene that you just know there are crazy things going on behind its doors. Stately black wrought iron fences surrounded the property, about eight feet high, with elegant gates at the driveway that were operated by remote from the main office. You had to state your business at the closed gates, speaking into a little box to be able to get in. The cab driver pulled up so that Heero could yell into the box.

After a minute or two, a female voice sounded over the little speaker on the intercom. "May I help you?" Heero noted the surveillance camera watching them from the top of the gatepost.

"I'm here to see a patient."

"Patient's name, and your relation?"

"Duo Maxwell. I'm a close friend. He has no family." There was a long pause.

"I'm sorry sir...there is no patient here by that name." He'd figured that this was going to happen.

"You have no name for him on record. He was admitted as John Doe. Three years ago. I didn't know he was here." Preplanning had definitely come in handy. Fishing around in his wallet, Heero, pulled out a picture of himself and Duo, taken during the Eve War. He held it up as close to the spy camera as he could. "There...it's a few years old, but I think you'll be able to tell me if he's here or not." There was more silence. Then suddenly a loud creaking noise erupted as the mechanism on the entrance gates activated. When the gates were fully open, the cab pulled in, and the gates closed slowly behind it.

Stopping at the grand entrance to the main building, the cabby turned to look at his passenger. "You want me to wait? I have to keep the meter running."

"No. I'll call another cab." Heero handed the man a few bills. "Keep the change. Oh, and...thanks." In a flash the young Japanese man was out of the cab and entering the lobby of the mansion.

Stopping at the front desk, Heero approached a woman, perhaps thirty or thirty-five, in a nurse's uniform. "I'm Heero Yuy, here to see Duo Maxwell."

"Oh yes," the woman acknowledged. "The Priest." She grinned a silly little grin as she said it.

"The what?"

Placing a clipboard for him to sign in on the counter in front of him, the nurse repeated to Heero "The Priest. We call him the Priest. When he came here he was wearing a Priest's collar. He won't take the thing off. We can barely get it away from him long enough to wash it from time to time. He walks around here with the thing on 24/7. Under his clothes if he has to. That and that cross necklace."

Heero sighed. No mistaking it. That would be Duo all right. Pushing the clipboard back across the counter he started fishing for whatever information he could get from the nurse, since she seemed willing to talk. "I just found out he was here. He has no family, you know."

"That's what we were figuring, after all this time. Surely somebody would have come looking for him if he did have family. Well...since you say you know him pretty well, mind if I get you to fill out some information for his file?" She pulled some papers out of a manila folder and slid them over to Heero with a pen. The label on the folder said 'John Doe, aka "The Priest."

With bated breath Heero asked the dreaded question. "How is he?" He started filling out the form to the best of his knowledge...things that would be harmless for anyone else to know. Date of birth (as much as Duo knew at least), place of birth, parental information (what little there was), etc...

"Oh..." the nurse began. "He's fine. Well...as fine as anyone in this place can be considered. I mean...he's nowhere near 'right'. But he gets along OK most of the time."

"MmmHmm...What do you mean 'most of the time'?" He didn't look up from the paperwork, but just kept writing.

"He's quite a strong young man." She continued. "And he has quite a temper. When he first came here he was very difficult with the staff. Wouldn't do anything that they told him to, wouldn't abide by hospital policies...he even attacked one of the male assistants. Hurt him pretty good, from what I remember. Broke his nose and knocked him for a loop. He's tried a number of times to kill himself - that's what landed him here in the first place. Since he keeps trying, they had to start getting a little more restrictive with him, but he's lots better now."

Heero raised an eyebrow at nurse Laura, as her name badge read. She had pretty, wavy, shoulder-length hair and a reasonably pleasant look about her. "What do you mean 'restrictive'?"

"The doctor was forced to put him on sedatives, pretty strong ones at that. They got tired of having to wrestle him into a straight jacket and put him in solitary confinement. He was becoming a threat to not only us and himself, but to the other patients as well."

"I see." Cold eyes bore down on nurse Laura, making her a little bit uncomfortable.

"Umm...you know...he nearly stabbed one of the orderlies who tried to give him a haircut with a pair of scissors when he first got here."

Heero smirked somewhat, envisioning the scene. "Someone tried to cut his hair?" he barely chuckled.

"It was a birds nest. But we couldn't get it cut, so...lets just say that I'm sure his hair has been better kept before."

Finishing the paperwork, Heero slid it back in the woman's direction. She looked it over and stuffed it back inside the manila folder while her interrogation continued. "What about therapy sessions? Is he getting therapy?"

"Oh yes...he gets therapy. But it doesn't do much good."

"What do you mean?" Heero asked.

"He doesn't respond to anyone. He just stares off into space. Hasn't said a word for close to two years. Its like he went from being a raving lunatic to being totally silent overnight." Heero listened intently. "Doctor Westin says its because he's shut himself off from everything and he doesn't want to get better. So, he figures, at least he isn't making trouble around here anymore. It's better for him that way, to not make trouble." There was a note of despair on Laura's voice as she finished. "Would you like to see him?" She changed the subject quickly.

"Please." Heero responded. Just as he did, an orderly, perhaps in his mid twenties, a tall, hefty young man, waltzed into the lobby from one of the adjoining halls complaining loudly, not aware that there was a visitor standing at the desk.

"Rounds are done." He blurted out. "And so help me...one of these days...I'm gonna let that 'pretty boy' have it. Bastard wouldn't swallow his pills again. He never learns. I swear..." He was interrupted by Laura clearing her throat loudly and throwing a glance in Heero's direction. The young man blushed when he realized that he was being overheard.

Blushing herself as well, Laura ushered Heero down the left hallway, unable to look him in the eye, the orderly had embarrassed her so. "This way Mr. Yuy." He followed silently, not mentioning the little display that he'd just witnessed. He didn't need to. It was all starting to fit into place. The only question that remained now was just who nurse Laura was leading him too. Or maybe the better question was 'what'. They walked through halls and around corners without speaking until they came to room number 26. The woman turned the knob and opened the door. Announcing that "The Priest has a visitor," she entered the room, Heero on her heels anticipating what would happen next.

Duo was curled up in bed, where he usually could be found, staring at the wall, and did his best to ignore the intruders. He pulled the blanket further over his head so that he couldn't see anything, hoping that whoever was there would simply go away. Nurse Laura went to grab for the blanket to pull it off him, but Heero's hand stopped her.

"Leave him be." Heero said to the nurse. In recognition of a voice from his past...a special voice from his past, Duo's eyes flew open under the blanket and he whimpered just barely loud enough for the others to hear him.

Part 3

Duo sat up in bed, facing his intruders, and fixated his gaze on Heero. His eyes were dull, lost...but the recognition was there. His heartbeat increased and he thought that he might cry, but the emotion never reached the outside world. Instead he just stared at the man who used to be his best friend and lover.

"Duo?" Heero asked in a whisper. Duo let his eyes fall to avoid his friend's gaze. Heero turned to the nurse. "Can we be alone for a few minutes?"

"I can give you ten minutes, since its after normal visiting hours. You can come back tomorrow if you like." Heero thanked her and escorted her to the door of the sparsely outfit dormitory style bedroom, shutting the door as she left. Then turning, he gently walked up to the bed and sat at the very edge, near the foot.

Duo's head was still down, but Heero could feel the bed shaking slightly. Duo was trembling. His hair was a mess. It was loose, not in the braided ponytail that it was usually done up in, and there were knots and tangles strewn throughout. His bangs were overgrown and fell to the sides of his face down past his chin. He looked ragged, like he hadn't slept well in weeks, and his skin had a greenish tinge to it. He'd definitely lost weight too; sitting in the bed, he looked frail and weak, a far cry from the vibrant person that left Preventers headquarters that day nearly three years ago. He wore an old T-shirt, and under it, the priests collar. His crucifix still hung where it had always for as long as the Japanese man had known the other. This was a mere shell of the Duo Maxwell that Heero had once known. His heart sank.

"Duo?" Heero called to him again and was met with the same reaction. He slid forward on the bed so that he was now sitting next to the sickly looking young man and tried to lift up his chin. Duo slapped his hand away. He briefly glanced in Heero's direction before letting his chin flop down again to hide his face. He was sporting the yellowish-purplish remnants of what was probably an old black eye. Heero sighed, assuming that the black eye was probably Duo's reward for some kind of insubordination. "You just can't make it easy on yourself, can you?"

For many minutes the two just sat, motionless, Heero thinking and Duo...doing whatever he was doing. A rap at the door snapped them both back into the moment. They shot simultaneous glares at the door in apprehension; Heero because he knew it was the nurse coming to tell him he had to leave and Duo because he was starting to feel a panic about Heero walking out that door and disappearing. Yet in all his tension and worry, he still did not react. It all stayed locked away, and without so much as a word or a gesture, he let Heero leave so that he was, once again, alone in his own private hell.

"I'll be back in the morning." Heero had said. Then the door was shut behind him. It was dusk. The sun was rapidly setting beyond the barred safety glass window of the room, and Duo hunkered back down in his bed, covering his head with the blanket once more. When he was certain that he was completely unwatched, he allowed himself to soundlessly sob under the covers. Something that he hadn't had the ability to do in a long, long time.

"Quatre...if I wasn't so good at holding my composure...I would have lost it right then and there." Heero explained his visit to the other former pilot. There was a tray from room service on the desk next to the laptop and he was still nibbling on the remains of dinner as he spoke. Night had fallen by then; the room was lit by a soft bulb in the lamp on the desk. "Lets put it this way...it's not a very good situation there. And if anything that the cabby says is true, I expect to find out more little secrets about what's been going on with Duo while he's been there. What's really disturbing though is that there's a whole building full of patients there, so you know Duo isn't the only one being mistreated either. Apparently this place has a reputation."

"Well...I guess the question now is what to do about it. About Duo." The concern was obvious on the blonde's face.

"He's apparently a ward of the colony, because he has no family and no name, well, to them he has no name, so I can't just trot on in there claiming to be his best friend and take him home. I have a feeling this is going to take legal action to get him out of there. If worse comes to worse, we could ask Sally for Preventer intervention."

"Yes..." Quatre added. "...but it's the weekend. I'll ring up my sister Sophia. She can help. But she won't be able to do anything until Monday at the earliest. I'll ask her to put this case at the top of her list...or as close to the top as she can. Are you able to hang around there for a while?"

Heero swallowed a mouthful of food. "I can stay as long as I need to. I'm not leaving this colony without him." His determined look said it all, and Quatre believed every word of it. "I'll find out as much as I can this weekend, like how they're treating him and such. Maybe that will be a help to us in getting him out."

"Sounds good. Let me know everything that you find out." The call connection was cut and Quatre's image disappeared from the computer screen.

Bright and early Saturday morning Heero had something to eat and was on his way to the Institution to see Duo again, and continue with his snooping. Nurse Laura was off for the weekend, so he had to go through the same ordeal as the previous day to gain admission to the grounds. Once inside, he signed in and played today's staff for the same information as he'd gotten yesterday. Most of the answers to his questions were the same, but there were a few discrepancies, that lead him to believe that there definitely was a problem with certain staff members at the hospital.

The new nurse walked Heero down the same hall to the same room. On the way, the orderly from yesterday's incident in the lobby passed them, having just exited a different patient's room, and his eyes locked with Heero's, distrustfully. Looking ahead of him, Heero ignored the man and followed the nurse, wanting to be able to observe everything without influencing what was going on there. When she led him into room 26, there was Duo, sitting on a wooden stool, with one of the other nurses violently raking at his head with a brush.

"Trying to brush his hair, since HE wont do it." The younger nurse said arrogantly when Heero's cold glare fell upon her. Duo sat emotionless as his head was yanked and hairs could be heard breaking.

Heero pushed past the older nurse and grabbed the brush. "I'll do it!" He glared at the two women, women who should have more bedside manner than to treat a person so roughly, and asked them to leave him with Duo. Shrugging him off, they both did go, and the two friends were alone once more.

When the door to the room rested closed in its jamb, Heero stood behind Duo and started to gently brush his hair. The brush tangled every second stroke. He hadn't much experience with long hair, but after a few minutes had managed to figure out that, by brushing carefully from the bottom first, he could work his way up and get all the tangles out. It took a long time. The hair was a mess, and there were broken strands and frayed ends sticking out everywhere. Eventually, however, Heero managed to pick through the jungle of brown locks and could easily slide the brush through, from scalp to end. Duo still sat motionless, secretly enjoying what he was feeling, wishing it would go on forever.

"Hair band?" Heero asked the seated man, expecting nothing for an answer. He was pleasantly surprised when Duo raised his arm and pointed to a little wicker basket on the top of the only dresser in the room. He never changed his gaze or said a word, but at least he responded. Fishing in the basket, Heero pulled out a black elastic band and then went to stand behind Duo again. Holding the band in his teeth, he braided the long tresses. He was slow, and the braid was loose, but he'd only ever had to do it a few times - whenever Duo had hurt himself in the past and couldn't manage on his own. Reaching the end of the braid, he wrapped it with the elastic and let the tail flop down onto the back of its owner. It was still as luxuriously long as he remembered.

"Stay here...I need to get something." He disappeared for a few minutes, returning with a pair of scissors from the front desk. "OK Duo...hold still so I don't gouge your eye out." That was Heero's way of trying to be funny. There was a flicker of movement in the corner of Duo's mouth, but only a split second, and it was gone. Well...at least that was making headway.

Kneeling in front of him, the Japanese man held the scissors as steady as he could and snipped carefully at the mop of bangs that had overgrown to the point of hiding Duo's face. Hair fell to the floor in clumps, but Duo didn't object once. He remained statuesque, letting his friend cut the hair, returning it to a closer resemblance of what it used to be. When he was finished, Heero pulled Duo up off the stool by his upper arm and dragged him to the small mirror that was hanging over the dresser, making him look.

"Better?" There was no answer. Duo pulled away and flopped himself down on the bed. He grabbed the end of his braid and wrapped and unwrapped it from around his hand.

Heero stayed with Duo for nearly five hours that day - as long as the staff would let him before they once again had to escort him out of the building. He tried to get Duo to talk to him, to tell him what it was that was causing him to be so withdrawn, but of course, there was no response. Duo stayed despondent throughout the entire visit, barring the one move he made during the hair brushing. After a while, the two just sat on the bed, leaning against the wall, and Heero went as far to grab a hold of his former lover's hand and hold it tight. If there was any one thing that he could have done that day to help melt Duo's ice-encrusted heart, that was it. Duo squeezed back, but that was all. That was enough, Heero decided. After three years of living in an institution and being subject to God knows what, a little bit of ground gained was plenty. There would be tomorrow. And whatever this was that was holding Duo as its prisoner, he would find it and kill it. He made a promise to both of them.

When the nurse came to escort Heero out of the bedroom, she walked in to a big surprise. Combed and braided hair. "Well Hallelujah! I guess we'll just let YOU brush his hair every day then, since he'll actually let you do it!"

Heero glared momentarily at the woman's sarcasm, then turned back to Duo. "I'll be back in the morning, OK?" As he began to walk toward the door the nurse blurted out another remark.

"Now if you could only get him to eat! Every time he goes on a hunger strike, he has to get force fed, and we all HATE that...don't we Priest?"

"His name is Duo."

"Oh...sorry. Right." She pulled the door closed behind Heero and the two proceeded through the halls of the facility.

Part 4

When Heero arrived the next day, Sunday, Duo was not in his room. Nurse Laura was back, and with her sympathetic little smile, she offered for Heero to wait in the room for him to return - he was "getting his breakfast", she'd mentioned to him. So, sitting himself down on the foot of the bed to wait, Heero was taken by surprise when Duo was lead into the room by the elbow by none other than 'the thug'. He was bleeding from the right nostril and there were drops of blood on his shirt and smeared on his hands.

Heero bolted off the bed. "What the..?" He jumped to Duo's side and pulled him away from the 'thug's' grasp, making him sit down on the end of the bed. Duo, aware but unresponsive, was wiping the droplets with a handful of coarse industrial grade tissues as if nothing was wrong. It was a part of his everyday life these days, so he was used to it.

"When he don't eat for three days, he has to get tubed. And when he don't stay still, that's what happens." The tall orderly turned and left after that announcement. To Heero, it almost seemed as if the guy enjoyed seeing Duo struggle, because that would be yet another excuse causing some kind of harm to him for "being difficult." Yes, Duo was probably a very difficult patient to deal with - he could be really difficult even before he became "unstable", but that was still no excuse for him to be treated the way that he was. It was apparent that whoever was managing this facility was not in control of his or her staff members if behavior like this went on repeatedly. He didn't even want to think of what kinds of incidents might be going on with some of the less-able patients there.

Heero went to the bed and helped Duo clean the blood off his face. His nose bled for a few minutes more, and the tissues were soaked by the time it slowed and started to crust up in his nostril. Raising his eyes, Duo looked straight into Heero's, and in spite of how silent he was on the outside, there was much emotion evident on the inside. Heated anger. Fear. Pain. The deep sorrow that shone through him transfixed Heero, who had to stare endlessly into the clouded pools that had become the windows to Duo's black tormented soul. Not knowing what to do or say to comfort his sick friend, Heero simply hugged him, his arms wrapped tightly around the shoulders of the stiff young man. Duo fumbled for a minute, awkwardly constrained by the hug, and then let his arms find their way around Heero's waist, where they held tight. He buried his face in Heero's neck and breathed in his scent. Then, for the first time in two years, Duo Maxwell spoke.

"Heero...please help me." It came out as a hoarse, barely audible whisper. That was all he said, and his deadpan composure remained the same.

Heero was holding back tears now. Tears of frustration, tears of sympathy, tears of not knowing what he could do to help poor Duo. He was a very different man than the one Duo knew when he first left, that was for sure. The old Heero would have told Duo to get over it, that as a soldier he shouldn't be so emotional or let things bother him. Squeezing him tighter he whispered "I'm going to get you out of here, Duo. I'm not going to stop until I do. Because whatever this is that's holding you down...I want to help you through it." Although he couldn't see it, Heero knew that Duo was crying, because warm tears were dripping onto his shirt collar and wetting his neck.

Monday morning Heero was at the Institution early, just as regular working hours started. He'd scheduled a consultation with the physician on staff at the facility, Dr. Westin. He was the resident who oversaw the mental needs of the patients there, and prescribed their medications. He was also one of the hospital administrators, so Heero thought it best to talk to him before contacting Quatre again.

Upon his arrival, he was led to a comfortable second-floor office where the Doctor was already waiting for him, the familiar manila folder with Duo's records placed neatly on his desk. There was a white sticker over the old words, and the name Duo Maxwell was now neatly written on the file tab. Standing and offering his hand, the Doctor waved for Heero to have a seat, and they talked. He was a kind-looking man, maybe fifty, and he had an air of honesty about him that was comforting.

The man was actually very nice and seemed genuinely concerned for Duo's well being. Dr. Westin had been caring for Duo since his arrival at the facility, and he agreed that his psychiatric needs were definitely not being met there, but with him being in the custody of the colony, he was basically just another number in a long list of numbers that didn't always get what they needed. The fact that he was in a facility, fed daily, medicated and not harming himself or anyone else was all that was required, and those needs were being met. He did, however, go on to say that he knew Duo's emotional problems were very deeply rooted, and that unless his therapy changed, it was doubtful that he'd improve.

Heero questioned him about that, about getting better help for him, and Westin responded, essentially stating that his own hands were tied. The therapy was there if he wanted to utilize it to his benefit - Duo was refusing to accept the help. One of the main reasons why, he said, explaining his theory about Duo, was because his self-image was so bad that he wanted to die. Then the Doctor really stuck his neck out and alluded to something that confirmed Heero's suspicions.

"He is a bright, capable young man who is very well able to overcome this depression, Mr. Yuy, but before that happens, I think you need to try to place him somewhere else."

Confused, Heero questioned this reply, wondering why the psychiatrist would be discrediting his own abilities this way. "I don't completely understand..."

"What I'm trying to tell you is that the atmosphere here is not conducive for him to heal himself, with my help or anyone else's. He's difficult to handle...," he paused, a serious look on his face. Letting his eyes drop to the desk, Westin continued, wringing his hands on the desk. "If there is anything that you can do to get him removed from here, I think that would be your best bet. I'm very limited on what I can do as far as the people here...the workers. If I start firing people, I don't get replacements, and then the good people here are forced to do too much. Then they quit. If I blow the whistle, they'll close us down. It nearly happened before. There are a lot of good people here who depend on this job, including myself."

"I see." Heero's expression was non-existent. He adjusted himself in the tacky leather chair, it's edges adorned with black metal studs applied all around its seams. They were standard issue for doctor's offices and the like. He always hated those chairs.

"Duo tests the patience of the employees. Some of them can handle it. Some of the others, well..." he trailed off, shaking his head. "Some of the others are just here for a paycheck, and they probably shouldn't be here, I realize. It's just become a lot easier for everyone to keep Duo sedated, and even then he acts up. I'm not condoning what's happening here. And yes, I do see it. I just can't do anything about it. I hope you understand."

Heero was silent for a few seconds. "Actually, Dr. Westin, I am in the process of retaining a lawyer about getting him released from Colonial custody so I can take him out of here." The Doctor nodded sympathetically.

"Any discretion that you could exercise would be appreciated. I'll assist you any way I can if we can keep this quiet."

Standing to leave the room, Heero concluded his conversation with the Doctor. "I do see your dilemma, Dr. Westin, but I have to tell you this right now. My interest, first and foremost, is with Duo. If what I do ultimately causes a bureaucratic mess here for you and this hospital, my apologies ahead of time, but I really can't be concerned with that."

"I understand." Westin answered quietly, watching Heero go. The Japanese man walked confidently out of the office.

"OK Quatre...what do you have for me?" Heero was once again trying to finish his dinner during his videoconference with the other former pilot, but tonight dinner didn't taste good enough to keep his interest. He pushed the plate aside and concentrated on what the blonde was saying.

"Sophia has agreed to help. I called her over the weekend, and she said she'd get right on it, considering the urgency. And because I'm her little brother." Quatre smiled a sheepish little smile.

"Good. Anything else?"

"Well...she's already filed a petition with the L2 Colony to have Duo released from government custody, but since he needs psychiatric care and can't be released on his own accord, she needs to assure them that he will remain in some kind of care. Either that, or be admitted into another facility."

"What do we do about that?" Heero asked. He put his feet up on the desk and leaned back in the chair.

"One other thing too...since he's "unstable", as classified by the colony, he can't be released unless he's in someone's custody."

"What about me?"

"You're not old enough. Neither am I." Quatre explained. "Neither of us is twenty-one yet."

Heero grimaced. "So what do we do?"

"Well, I had an idea, if we find it to be necessary."

"Go on."

"Lets just say that having a big family has its benefits at times." Quatre smiled. "And having lots of business-minded sisters helps too. Anja is willing to act as "custodian" for him for all the legalities, and would be able to see to his therapy as well. She's very good you know. I've always enjoyed talking to her when I've had things on my mind."

Thinking he recalled hearing the name of Quatre's sister before (but then again, there were so many sisters, who knew all the names, except Quatre?), Heero seemed pleased with that plan. 'Can she do that? Gain legal custody of a patient?"

Quatre's expression waned a little. "Well...it will take some doing, but Sophia thinks that under the circumstances, it can be done. It's going to take a while though - a few weeks at the least, maybe even a month or two of red tape, and there will probably be investigations and what have you. She said that, since we will be asking them to bend the rules, they are going to want a good reason why they should allow it. If we use Duo's mistreatment as that reason, well...they're going to need to see for themselves. Or at least be fairly well convinced. It could get a little ugly before it's over."

"Hn." Heero responded. "So in other words, people are probably going to find out about all of this. People meaning, the employees and administrators."

"I would think. Why?"

"I'm going to have to have a talk with Duo about this."

Part 5

Tuesday morning, after what little breakfast he could force down, Heero was back at the Institution. For the first time since he'd been visiting Duo, he'd gotten a chance to see some of the public areas of the hospital, and some other patients as well. Laura brought him to the TV room, where Heero found Duo, sitting beside a woman he'd never seen before. Although she wore plain clothing, the older woman did have the navy blue wimple hat customary for nuns to wear. A golden cross hung from her neck, its facets glistening in the bright sunlight from the nearby window. The Japanese man waited by the doorway, observing from afar since the other two hadn't seen him. Duo seemed to be comforted by the lady's presence. "Makes sense," Heero thought to himself.

Today he had to have a serious talk with Duo about what he and Quatre were planning. However, Heero was undecided about one important thing, something that could ultimately make or break the plan. While every bit of sense in his being wanted to beg Duo to quiet down and follow the staff's orders explicitly to avoid any future injury to himself, the sensible part of him disagreed. If there were no evidence that patients were being mistreated, there would be less of a chance of getting Duo released to Quatre's sister, who, at the moment, was their only hope to get him out of there. He'd been mulling it over all night and gotten very little sleep, trying to decide which would create the better outcome. Watching Duo silently interact with the nun, he made his decision, hoping for the best. At least there was some bit of quiet and peace in his routine - Heero supposed that for the next few weeks that would have to do, as it had for the past three years. Smiling an awkward but friendly smile, Heero acknowledged the nun as she approached him, apparently on her way out.

"I'll go so you can visit with him." Her gray-blue eyes shone like crystals, but there was an aura of sadness in them.

Heero stopped the woman just outside the door to the TV room. "Thank you...for being here for him," he said.

"My pleasure, young man." The sister smiled. "I come here to spend time with the patients once or twice a week. He's always been my favorite. He seems to enjoy my company more than the others do, so I'm happy to come here for him."

"He spent part of his childhood raised by a nun, here on the colony. He loved her dearly. Sister Helen."

The nun's face went pale. "Of the Maxwell Church? Is he one of the orphan's they cared for? A survivor?"

"Yes."

The sister crossed herself. "Father in Heaven above...they never told me that. I didn't know." Her face was writ with concern and compassion as she talked with Heero now.

"They didn't know either. I only recently found out that he was here. We were friends before he went missing." Heero glanced at his friend, slouched back in a soft armchair in front of the TV, once again unresponsive to the world, but keenly aware of the conversation that was happening behind him.

"I knew Sister Helen when she was a young woman about your age, just beginning her studies of the church. She was a wonderful girl. It was all such a shame, what happened there. I think I may have made mention of Maxwell Church in my talking with him..." she glanced in Duo's direction. "...but he never talks back. He just listens."

"I'm trying to get him out of here." Heero whispered to the woman, his gaze meeting hers. She responded with eyes full of understanding and agreement.

"I wish you the best. God will thank you later." Then excusing herself, the nun nodded and turned to disappear down the hallway and around the corner. Heero entered the TV room and went to sit beside Duo.

The next few days went by without incident. Heero filled Duo in, to the best of his ability, of what he and Quatre were doing to try to get him released from the Institution. Sophia was already progressing with the paperwork, and it would just be a matter of waiting a while before his case could be heard in court on whether it would be allowed that Duo be released as Anja Winner's responsibility. For the first time since laying eyes on the remnants of the old Duo Maxwell, Heero thought he saw a glimmer of Hope in his friend's eye.

Heero stayed in close contact with Quatre, calling him every evening after his visits with Duo. He hadn't been sleeping very well, and the more complex things got, the longer it was taking him to fall unconscious every night. His appearance was beginning to suffer, with dark circles evident under his eyes, and an obvious look of worry and exhaustion like he'd never had before. At one point, Quatre even asked him if he was feeling OK, and he admitted that he'd begun having nightmares again, like the ones he'd had after the wars. Surely it was just the stress of the situation wearing at him, but whatever the reason, war nightmares were never pretty ones.

By Friday, after a full week on L2, word came to Heero through the grapevine that Sophia had been very successful in getting the attention of officials on the colony. Actually, they had been fairly easy to deal with, and acknowledged her request to investigate Duo's case right away. No one had even realized it until they made contact with her afterward, but there had already been officials to the Institute to investigate what was going on there, and the likelihood that Sophia's stories about Duo were exaggerated. While that was a good thing, to have things moving so quickly, it was also a bad thing; now everyone at the hospital was aware that something was going on, and that Duo and his Japanese friend were the cause of it.

So, investigations initiated, petition filed, the next thing was the court hearing. The courts understood that there was an urgency in getting the case heard, so that Duo could be released before any more harm could come to him however, their definition of urgency was a little different. The investigator apparently agreed that there were possibly some unorthodox practices going on behind the walls of the Institution, but saw no need to plow this case ahead of already scheduled cases. The court hearing would not be for another two weeks. Knowing this, Heero went for his daily visit on Saturday morning expecting the worst. His fears would eventually be realized.

By the end of the weekend, word had spread throughout the entire staff that something was wrong. Heero was beginning to notice changes in the attitudes of most of the employees that he came in contact with, including Nurse Laura. While she was still sympathetic, Heero thought, she'd also expressed to him that what he was doing was going to hurt a lot of people. He responded to her, curtly enough to render her speechless, that at this venture he had no remorse what so ever for anything that would ultimately happen there, as long as he got his friend released from the facility.

Daily visits with Duo hadn't changed much. There was always that unspoken bond between the two, revealing that the longhaired young man was grateful to have Heero there, but he continued to live in his world of silence. An occasional gesture or twinkle in his eye was the only clue that Heero had that his friend was still coherent and understanding everything that was being said to him. By this time though, Heero started to understand what it was that was probably paining Duo so deeply all this time. He was not demented, he was not "sick in the head"...he was severely, severely depressed, just as Dr. Westin had said. Depressed to the point of giving up on himself. Depression masks itself as many different things, but in the end, if the cause isn't uncovered, nothing ever changes. Duo was either unaware or in denial of whatever it was that caused him this emotional distress, and rather than fight it, he'd simply decided to just give up.

Tuesday was a bad day. On Tuesday, Heero met with Quatre, Sophia and Anja at the offices of the Courthouse on L2. Meetings with the Superintendent of Health Care and two lawyers for the colony. As most bureaucratic meetings go, everything took twice as long as it should have, Lunch was late, the copy machine kept jamming, and the discussions had to be halted for an hour while one of the lawyers conference-called with a more important client in another room.

He was never able to visit Duo, so he phoned the Institution anyway, asking that a message be forwarded. To no surprise of his, it wasn't. He was at the black gates waiting for entry the minute visiting hours started on Wednesday. Pacing quickly through the halls of the ground floor of the building Heero rushed to get to Duo even one minute quicker, feeling the guilt of missing his prior day's visit. Opening the door to the small room, he found Duo in the same position he'd found him that first day - curled up and under the blankets.

"Duo..." Heero huffed, trying to catch his breath. "Duo, please. I'm here...I had to go to plead your case to lawyers yesterday." He pulled away the blanket to expose a distraught and recumbent Duo, sloppily dressed in an old pair of sweat clothes and his priest collar, his hair mussed and out of its braid. Grabbing him by his wrist, Heero pulled him upright, making him sit at the foot of the bed where he looked at him with forlorn and guilt on his face. Duo would not look at him straight on. "Back to square one." Heero sighed, mumbling to himself.

Making the decision to proceed with what had become a daily routine for the pair, Heero grabbed the brush off the dresser and started stroking Duo's long strands, smoothing them out until they shone a glistening copper. He braided the hair neatly - he was getting better at it - and then knelt in front of his friend to peek under the bangs that concealed his face. Before the intended apology could escape his lips, Heero noticed a small, angry red welt on the inside of Duo's arm. Pulling his arm out from his body and turning the soft, pink under skin up, Heero found more of the little welts. There were yet more on the other arm. Eleven of them to be exact, all perfectly round and all the same size.

"Duo...what is this? Did you do this to yourself?" Heero questioned, eyeing him with a stern yet concerned look.

Duo answered him. "No." He looked at his two arms, then at Heero, then looked away.

"Then who did?" He already suspected who did, but he asked anyway. There was no answer, and that was the end of Duo's verbal interaction for the day.

This was it. This was the beginning of the end, Heero thought to himself. The next week and a half would prove to be the toughest of Duo's stay at the Institution, as he became the subject of God knows what types of retaliatory actions. Each one would be carefully executed so that it didn't cause serious injury, and better yet, would leave the actual patient as suspect of causing that harm to himself. And even though Heero was on to them, there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it, except pray for the court hearing date to arrive as quickly as possible without being postponed.

Leaving the premises that day Heero passed 'the thug', standing outside the main entryway to the building, enjoying a smoking break.

Part 6

The next morning when Heero went in to see Duo, he was, once again, not in his room. Heero was becoming so familiar at the facility that they had already taken to letting himself walk the halls to room 26, so when he found it empty, he continued to the TV room. There were other patients there, some watching TV, a couple playing checkers, but no Duo. A concern building inside him, Heero turned and went back to the main desk to inquire about where his friend was.

"Oh, I guess no one told you yet...he's in solitary right now. Flipped out on John last night during nighttime meds." As it turned out, John was 'the thug'. He was the one, with his large build and gruff demeanor, who was responsible for doing the patient rounds and seeing to it that they all took their medications and behaved themselves like good little basket cases.

He was taken to see Duo in the infamous 'rubber room', the place where all the patients would be taken to work out their frustrations when they wouldn't be controlled. Heero was admitted entrance to the area, and the door locked behind him. The entire room was padded down with white foam - floors, walls, and the door, its one tiny window the only unpadded spot in the whole place. It looked a lot like a handball court, only softer. The air was musty and stale, a combination of the chemical odor from the foam and the smell of old sweaty gym socks.

At the back of the room sat Duo. He was asleep, curled up in a ball, knees against his chest, his torso wrapped in a white leather constraint garment. His arms were crossed over his body and buckled behind his back. Sitting huddled the way he was, his head hung over his lap, barely touching the tops of his legs and he had wedged himself into the corner. Heavy breaths came from his open mouth, and Heero realized that his nose was once again bloody, this time both nostrils, probably a gift from 'the thug' since he'd apparently fought with him. His skin was damp with sweat and locks of his bangs were saturated and dark, stuck to the sides of his face. Sitting down against the wall beside him, Heero waited for Duo to notice his presence and open his eyes.

When Duo fluttered his lids open, he met Heero's icy blues. Lifting his head, he tested his constraints, flopping his arms about to no avail. Gritting his teeth and squeezing his eyes shut, he sucked in a breath and tried with all his might at pulling an arm loose, and when he couldn't, he exploded into a fit of agonizing rage. His eyes full of pain and hate, he pulled and thrashed and actually screamed the most primal of screams before he collapsed in a heap, face down on the floor, kneeling with his arms buckled behind his back. Finally succumbing to his fury, he began to weep, his cheek stuck to the soft padding, his saliva and the blood from his nose mingling together to smear the white mat.

Panting to get his breath, Duo craned his eyes to look at Heero who was watching, concerned but unmoving from his seat on the floor, against the wall. "Heero..."

The Japanese man stood up and took a step over to his exhausted friend, setting him upright on his knees. Their eyes met and Duo welled up, his sadness and hate for himself and hate for what was being done to him portrayed like a painting in his glazed-over expression. Heero wiped some blood off Duo's face with his own hand, sighing.

"It's almost done. Please bear with me, Duo. One more week." Heero wrapped himself around his entrapped mate, holding him protectively. Then kissing him affectionately on the back of the head he prayed silently for the day that they could be together again as a couple.

"Well...exactly what we were afraid of happening is happening." Heero was conferring once more with Quatre over his laptop computer. "They all know that they are being investigated and that place isn't up to snuff. So at least one of them, the guy I told you about, is taking his frustrations out on Duo, since they know that Duo, indirectly, is the cause of all the trouble."

Quatre sighed. "I don't think there's anything that we can do about that right now, short of you camping out at the Institution with him."

"I already tried that - they won't let anyone stay on the grounds after visiting hours."

"How's he holding up?"

Heero paused. "Well, if you mean 'is he holding up from being smacked around', he's a Gundam pilot...what do you think? If you mean mentally? I think he's cracking. Or getting pretty damn near close to it." The gravity of the situation was evident in Heero's expression.

Quatre asked again. "How are YOU holding up?"

His gaze softening some, the Japanese man sighed, then admitted that he wasn't holding up very well. He couldn't sleep, he wasn't eating well, and he was consumed with worry about Duo. How different a person he'd become, from the uncaring soldier he used to be. Seemed to Heero that learning how to feel and love had also brought with it the very real stresses of caring about people, and those were stresses that were fairly new to him. He was intent however, to endure whatever he had to in order to get this issue dealt with and get Duo home safe. There were certain aspects of his self-discipline that would never change, and his determination was one of them.

Heero was startled out of his sleep by the telephone on the nightstand beside the bed ringing obscenely loud. Rubbing his eyes with one hand he fumbled for the receiver with the other, wondering who would be calling him at this hour, and on the hotel phone. Quatre only contacted him on the computer. Checking the time on the alarm clock near the phone, he could see that it was five fifteen in the morning. Light was just beginning to peek its way around the edges of the closed curtains in the hotel room.

"Yesss.." came the sleepy greeting. It was Dr. Westin.

"Mr. Yuy?" Heero sat up in bed. "There's been an incident here this morning and it seems that Duo has tried once more depart this world."

Heero's eyes grew narrow. "What happened?"

"I don't know how he obtained them, but he swallowed a large amount of his antidepressant tablets at one time. The bottle was found in his room. He's at L2 Mercy Hospital right now and his stomach is being pumped."

"I'll be there as soon as I can." Heero slammed the phone down and leapt from the bed.

Part 7

His eyes fluttering open wearily, Duo awoke to new surroundings. He wasn't in his room at the Institution, he realized immediately. Blinking, he recognized the IV pump on the pole beside the bed that he lay in. Touching the inside of his arm with his other hand, a plastic tube ran the length of his forearm and disappeared under a taped bandage at the inside of his elbow. There were tubes around his face and in his nostrils. More noticeably though was the pounding pressure radiating from his head, causing everything in his body to hurt - he could feel his blood surging through his veins with every breath.

There was the sound of breathing - someone else's - and Duo rolled his head to the right. It was Heero, seated next to the hospital bed, his head buried in folded arms resting on the edge of the mattress. He was asleep. His unruly dark hair moved, ever so slightly, with each breath he took, following the rise and fall of his upper body. He had been there beside Duo ever since arriving at the hospital, after Duo had been treated and placed in the Intensive Care Unit. He wanted to be there when his friend woke up from his drug-induced sleep. Duo moved his hand to stroke his fingers through Heero's hair, causing the man to stir.

Sitting up slowly, Heero rubbed his sleepy eyes before looking up at Duo. Their eyes connected, unspoken emotions being understood by each, until finally Heero spoke, breaking the silence between them.

"Hey." Was all he said.

Duo half-smiled. In a hoarse voice he asked "W-what happened?" His hair was disheveled, and he pushed a stray few strands away from his face.

"You don't remember?" Heero's glare softened some. Duo noticed that his eyes were glassy - either from lack of sleep or how upset he was. Maybe both.

"No."

"You O.D.'ed. You tried to kill yourself again Duo." Shaking his head, Heero had to turn away for a few seconds to regain his composure. Then looking Duo hard in the eyes he asked "Why?"

It seemed like the air in the room suddenly became chilled, giving Duo goose bumps on his arms and legs. "I don't know...Because I hate me Heero, that's why!" He looked down briefly, and when his eyes returned to meet his friends, they were spilling soft tears down flushed cheeks. "Because everything hurts too much and I don't want it anymore. I'm tired Heero. I want to rest, and it won't let me...so I'd rather be dead." That was the most he'd spoken at one time since Heero had been with him. His expression changed to one of surprise, that he'd spoken so freely this time and not bottled his words up with his emotions.

That was when Heero made sure to put his own feelings out in the open for Duo to see. Enough playing around, enough beating around the bush...it was time to say what he knew would possibly turn the tide in Duo's fight for his own integrity. "Duo..." he began softly. "You know, all that time that I didn't have you, I had a lot of time to think, and to find out what I was looking for in my life. And do you know what I realized? I realized that I was an idiot for ever letting you go in the first place. I realized that I not only do I need someone, but I need YOU. I realized this Duo, and I'll be God damned if I'm going to let you go again."

Duo listened, wide-eyed, to the Japanese man as he spoke the words that he'd always wanted to hear, but never had. The words that could have helped save Duo from himself so long ago, but were never said. Sure, he realized that Heero obviously hadn't been in the 'relationship' frame of mind three years ago, but that, combined with Duo's failing emotional stability, had been a near-deadly concoction. Duo's inability to withstand Heero's coldness and carelessness had been the last straw in the framework that held together his sanity. When that was gone, all the bad feelings and smothering emotions that he'd felt his whole life were let through the gateway to attack his very soul until there was nothing left.

"Heero..." Duo choked, tears still streaming.

"Please Duo. Please stay with me. I'm going to get you home." Heero was holding Duo's hand now, squeezing it tight, looking like he too would be consumed in tears at any moment. "Promise me that you'll stay strong?"

Sniveling, Duo nodded his head. "I will Heero." He whispered. "For you, I will."

The next week flew by quickly. Dr. Westin had requested that Duo remain in the hospital during that week much to Heero's relief. At least that would be one worry off his mind, leaving him more time to worry about the court hearing. He visited Duo every day, as usual, staying as long as he could each day. By the day before the hearing, he was happy to note that just being away from the Institution had caused an improvement in Duo. He was a little bit more talkative, and since he was off all sedatives, hints of his old personality were starting to peek through. He felt safe there at Mercy Hospital, so he was beginning to let down his proverbial hair, albeit very cautiously. He was even eating regularly again.

The morning of the hearing, Heero showed up at the Hospital with Quatre and Sophia, who were there to escort Duo. He would have to be a witness on his own behalf so that his mental stability could be judged, and it could be decided whether being at the Institution was truly detrimental to him. One of the floor nurses was helping him ready himself so that he looked presentable when the three arrived. Suddenly attacked by a wave of emotion at the sight of Quatre, Duo stood motionlessly staring at the three.

"Duo!" Quatre exclaimed, striding over and giving him a big hug. "I've been so worried about you Duo! I'm glad we're going to get all this dealt with today, aren't you?" That optimism that the former Sandrock pilot always held was still there.

"Y-yeah." Duo stammered. He hadn't seen any of the pilots in so long, he felt awkward, almost embarrassed, to have Quatre there to see him in the state that he was in. Not knowing what else to say, he simply smiled a crooked little smile, his lack of confidence evident in his eyes. Then backing down from Quatre's gaze upon him, Duo went back to the nurse's side and she began to braid his hair.

The court hearing was a relatively short one. Present for Duo's defense were Quatre's two sisters, Sophia and Anja, and Quatre and Heero. Present for the colony were the two lawyers that Heero had met at the meetings prior to the hearing, Dr. Westin, and a number of the staff members should they be called as witnesses. The orderly, John, was among them, which immediately unnerved Duo. The judge was a middle-aged man with silver hair and a stern look about him. After all parties involved had been sworn in, he began the hearing by having Sophia present her case, that Duo was not receiving adequate care at the Institution, and was in personal danger if he stayed there. Her request was for Duo to be released into the custody of Dr. Anja Winner, Psy., who would provide the necessary psychiatric care and see that he was correctly rehabilitated.

The lawyers for the colony, on the other hand, maintained that while Duo had not made great improvement during his stay at the Institution, it was largely due to his own inability to cooperate with the staff. Since he failed to take his therapy sessions seriously enough, he was unable to gain full benefit from them. Their defense to the reports of mistreatment by some of the staff members was argued as being "unfounded." The investigation done in prior weeks had uncovered a few discrepancies in hospital policy, but no evidence of abuse or mistreatment to any patients, including Duo.

Sophia presented to the argument Duo's medical record for the courts to see, pointing out some important "items of interest" to the judge. She made mention of the fact that, during his first year at the facility his care was questionable in terms of the rough treatment he received, to the point of being a considerable factor in his emotional breakdown, causing him to totally withdraw and become despondent. Raising the subject of a number of other incidents after that, she progressed all the way to the present day, bringing to light not only things that Heero had witnessed himself, but also incidents that eventually made his blood boil as he heard of them for the first time. There was nothing extreme, nothing at all life threatening, but just a path of gradual and incessant torment that rendered Duo to be emotionless, speechless and controlled by the effects of a strong narcotic.

Questioning the cigarette burns on Duo's arms, she pointed out that not only was he not a smoker, but there was a policy that there be no smoking in the rooms, or anywhere else in the facility for that matter. That was met with the defending lawyers stating that he somehow must have done it himself because there was no evidence that he was forcibly held so that eleven burns could be made in his arm. She argued that his emotional state caused him to allow it to be done to him. They scoffed at her reasoning.

The drug overdose then came into light, and once again the defending lawyers held fast that "This is an obvious indication that this young man is not well and in need of strict care." Sophia derailed that thought and brought the court's attention to how he got the medication in the first place. Since all the medications were locked in a pharmacy on a different floor, and only specific members of the staff had access to those medications, how could he have stolen them without being found out? Sophia suggested that a bottle of the sedative was left accessible, specifically with the intent that Duo would find it and, knowing his suicidal tendencies, take the pills.

After listening to all the arguments of the lawyers, the hearing continued, calling witnesses to the stand. First Heero. Then Quatre. Next Anja, and finally Duo. By that point, Duo was very intimidated and not having good feelings about the outcome of that day, and he'd locked himself away inside himself, making the task of getting answers out of him a difficult one. On the one hand, it was a good display of how nervous he'd become with the people from the Institution there in the room, but on the other hand, he was making himself look like a real basket case, leaving doubt in the mind of the judge.

When the defense was able to question its witnesses, of course they all looked golden. First the head nurse too the stand, followed by John, then Dr. Westin. John was very calm and cool, pleasant even, and looked like a kind of person who would never dream of hurting a fly. The lawyers painted a picture of a hard working staff trying to see to all their patients, and constantly having to reroute their attentions to Duo, who was unruly, and a danger to himself, the staff, and the other patients as well. He was medicated out of necessity, and his lack of psychological progress was due to the fact that he refused to pay attention during his therapy sessions. There was a cut and dry answer explained for every little injury that had been questioned.

Resuming after a break for lunch, cross-examination by the defendant lawyers, was more of the same, making Duo and his cohorts look like monkeys. The defense cross-examined first, since Sophia had elected to let them go first, utilizing the time to try to come up with whatever shred of information they'd be able to stand on to turn the case back in Duo's favor. Ultimately though, the defense was making their clients out to be the saviors and Duo to be the self-destructive, deranged lunatic that needed much more than what Dr. Winner was able to provide for him, and in need of remaining Institutionalized.

By the time the court broke for a late afternoon recess, things were not looking good for him, and Duo Maxwell was once again wishing for his own death.

Part 8

Heero was getting nervous, and was exchanging worried glances with Quatre while trying to keep his calm look for Duo' sake. Sophia was calm, but it was obvious that she too was becoming uncomfortable with the direction that the hearing was headed in. Seated with Heero on one side of her and Quatre on the other, she whispered to them what they already knew - that things were not looking good. There was one last wild card yet to play in this game. If the truth were told, it could have the effect of freeing Duo from his colonial custody. But then, how many people here were already lying under oath anyway? Her hopes were dwindling.

Beginning with the Head Nurse, Sophia's interrogation started, asking for recounts of many of the previously discussed incidents relating to Duo's past at the Institution. When she asked the nurse if she was lying, because she was afraid of losing her job in the event that the institution be closed, she was actually able to elicit a response of discomfort from the woman, which the judge did take note of. Score one for Sophia.

She next questioned John who, as predicted, maintained his cool attitude, passing himself off as a great employee and the victim in this case. He made sure to display the bite mark that was still evident in his arm, a souvenir from their last tussle that ended with Duo's bloody nose and his time in the rubber room. Sophia asked him if he were retaliating for the probability that his livelihood were in jeopardy by making attacks on Duo, and he said, naturally, that the violence was all because Duo could not be controlled. When she suggested to him that he was the person who left a bottle of Diazepam accessible in Duo's room for him to overdose with, she caused a small uproar as the two defending lawyers stood, the scrape of their chairs sliding on the floor echoing through the vast, half-empty courtroom. They yelled out their objection, calling her question "unfounded and slanderous." Miraculously though, her question was allowed by the judge, to the displeasure of the other lawyers.

Rubbing his shoulders, Heero tried to relax Duo the best he could. Duo had been nearly silent through the examination and the cross-examination as well, listening contently as his fate was decided. The look of worry on his face saddened Heero greatly, and the resignation in his eyes that he was not going to be released was beginning to take hold. Leaning close to Heero, he whispered "You know Heero...I blame none of this on you. But if we fail today, I'm going to do it, so I don't have to live with them or myself anymore. This time 'I' wont fail." Understanding what Duo's intentions were, Heero pushed the thought out of his mind and tried to pay closer attention to what was going on in front of them.

The last one to be questioned was Dr. Westin. The wild card. His examination by the defending lawyers had gone well for them - they asked the right questions to get the right answers from him. They asked what his reasons were for medicating Duo, and whether he'd ever noticed any life-threatening injuries to the young man, and how it was that the Institution handled patients who were constantly causing trouble. He was asked point blank whether he "thought Duo's emotional difficulties were because of the treatment he was receiving at the facility," to which he had to answer honestly "No." They were shrewd. Lawyers are paid to be shrewd, and here was another example of shrewdness causing distorted views of what was truth and what was 'truth in need of clarification.'

Westin took the stand looking uncomfortable. He knew what was coming, and that this case depended on what he said. Once Sophia started with him it would be only a matter of time before she too asked all "the right questions", and then suddenly there would be another view of exactly what was happening behind the doors of the L2 Institution for the Mentally Disabled. The place that he'd overseen for close to ten years. The place that he'd never been able to clean up, despite his efforts to do just that. The place that narrowly escaped being closed down a year earlier for similar reasons, although no one in that room but him knew it. Readying for the barrage of questions, he decided that it was time to come clean.

After the normal questions about his employment at the Institution, his medical background and his history with Duo over the past three years, Sophia finally got into the nitty-gritty of why they were all there. "Dr. Westin," the attractive Arabic woman began, her stride confident as she paced before him and the judge. "From speaking with Mr. Yuy, he has explained to me that the two of you have met to discuss Mr. Maxwell's 'progress' in his therapy while in your care?

"We have." Westin answered, stone faced.

"Mr. Yuy also has informed me that you explained to him that you are aware of certain behaviors going on at the Institution in which some of the staff members might be displaying acts of aggression or violence against some of the patients?"

This time Westin hesitated. Looking down at his lap, he replied, "I am."

Sophia stopped immediately in front of the Doctor, looking him directly in the eyes. "Dr. Westin, could you please tell me if Duo Maxwell is one of those patients who has received this aggressive and violent treatment from these staff members?"

With the judge looking down at him accusingly from his podium, Westin answered, to the delight of the prosecution, "Yes."

Part 9

Heero and Duo stepped out of the car and took in their surroundings. Duo stretched lazily after their long day traveling to arrive at the Winner Estate, reminiscing momentarily about the last time that he'd been there - it was during the Colony War. Grabbing up their bags, the two head for the main house entrance and were greeted by Quatre, his smile lighting his face. Behind him were Sophia and Anja, who'd both managed to fly home to see Duo and Heero when the arrived. There was hugging and kissing and thanking going all around, and even a few tears shed by Quatre as the group happily embraced in the main foyer.

After Dr. Westin admitted that there was definitely a problem at the L2 Institute for the Mentally Disabled, the case immediately did an about-face, and suddenly Sophia's story about Duo was making more and more sense. Westin answered every question precisely, filling in the judge on what had been happening at the facility, and how it had affected Duo during his stay there. The defense re-examined their witness, but this time they were unable to fix the mess that Westin had made for them, and suddenly things were not looking so peachy for the future of the institution. The case was awarded to the prosecution, with Duo's custody being granted to Dr. Winner under guidelines for his emotional rehabilitation, beginning with his immediate removal from the facility. With these serious allegations now on the floor, essentially being proven true by the hospital administrator, the previous investigation from the prior court case involving the window jumper was then ordered to be re-opened by the judge, with Dr. Westin as the chief witness.

Since Duo would need to be under Anja's care for a while, it was agreed after an offer from Quatre that he rehabilitate at the Winner Estate, where Anja could meet with him at her convenience during her busy schedule on L4. It was a good excuse for her to get home at least once a week too, so she was more than happy to have their sessions there. With Duo residing at the mansion for the time being, that left a question in Heero's mind as to what to do about his job. He was due back to Preventer's Headquarters in less than a week. After some calls and some conferences, Sally was able to find a way to station Heero at a different outpost where his services could be used, and he could also be close enough to Duo to commute daily to the Estate. Pleased with that outcome, he thanked her profusely - he wanted to be sure that he was there with Duo during his healing, no matter how long it took.

Gingerly sitting on the edge of the bed in what was to be his bedroom, Duo was motionless, reflecting on what had transpired in the past three weeks. Heero had suddenly shown up in his life again, at a time when he thought that he would simply rot away his years in that God forsaken place called an Institution for the Mentally Disabled, and like a knight in shining armor, had rescued him, bringing him to this castle of the Winner Estate. He was thankful, that was for sure, but he knew he should also be happy...he should be ecstatic for all intent and purposes, but he wasn't. That feeling of dread, that self-loathing, it was still there. But maybe it would be different this time. Maybe Anja knew what to do to make him feel better, because for the first time in a while, Duo thought that maybe he really did want to feel better. "Progress already," he thought to himself.

Getting up, he walked to the adjoining bathroom, standing in front of the large mirror. Looking at himself, Duo sighed. He looked pathetic. He was thin, his complexion was gray, and his hair was dull. Stress and lack of sleep had definitely done a job on him, not to mention the number of meals he'd missed in the last three years. Staring into his own jeweled eyes, he barely recognized himself as the former pilot of Deathscythe - the differences were spooky. His total stance and expression was wrong. Shaking his head, Duo went to sit down again, convinced that he had a lot of work to do if he was going to remedy this.

Heero walked in at that time, looking to see what Duo was up to. He sat quietly next to his friend on the end of the bed and smiled an encouraging smile. For a few minutes nobody spoke, and then Duo asked "Which bedroom are you in?"

A feeling of hope and anticipation raced through Heero. "The other hallway, first on the left." They talked idly for a few more minutes, that kind of jabber when two people have a lot to say to each other, but neither knows how to start it, and then Duo rose from the bed, pulling off his T-shirt.

"Gonna take a shower." He said, his sentence short and to the point. It was neither a request for Heero to leave the room, nor an invitation for him to join in, but rather, just simply a statement. Heero just sat, watching the form in front of him undress, remembering the strength and power that this young body once had, and seeing how frail it had become. Stripped down to his underwear, Duo was about to enter the bathroom when Heero stopped him.

"How did that happen?" He called attention to a long burn-like scar on Duo's back; one that he knew was never there before.

Duo stopped in his tracks, but did not turn to face Heero. "I don't remember." He answered. Then he elaborated a little more. "Another one of those unfortunate accidents." Having said that, he continued to the bathroom where he undressed completely and got into the shower. Turning on the spigots, Duo let the warm water attempt to rinse the bad off his body and out of his mind.

When he was finished, he stepped out of the shower and dried himself, exiting the bathroom to find Heero still there waiting for him. There was a towel wrapped around his head like a turban, hiding his hair. Heero patted the bed next to him, and Duo quietly sat beside him. Grabbing his hairbrush from the duffel bag on the floor in front of the two, he unwrapped the towel on Duo's head and started brushing. He brushed and brushed, and then finally braided the chestnut strands into a tight, damp tail, then looked at his friend.

"Are you happy, Duo?" Heero asked.

After a moment, Duo replied "No." He pried his eyes away from Heero's and looked at the carpet.

Sighing, Heero pressed him "Why, Duo?"

"Because," the braided man began, "I can't be happy. I've never been happy. I don't know what it is...to be happy."

Heero put the brush down on the bed beside him. "Can we fix that?"

Duo replied with an abrupt question, taking the Japanese man by surprise. "Heero...are YOU happy?" There was no answer, because they both already knew the answer to that. "How can I be happy if nobody else around me is happy either? What is there to be happy about?"

"I'm not happy, Duo, because I've had to learn the hard way what it's like to be a caring person. I threw away what could have made me happy, but now here you are again, and I want to try again to help both of us be happy."

"It isn't that simple Heero...at least not for me." Duo responded.

"Give it a chance, Duo." Reaching his arms around his emotionally incapacitated friend, Heero hugged him until Duo hugged back.

Duo's first session with Anja Winner was fairly uneventful. She spent the entire time asking him about why he felt so sad, and why he kept trying to kill himself. After discussing the emotional toll that being a soldier had taken on him, she delved even deeper, questioning him about his childhood, or what he remembered of it. He stayed mostly straight-faced, mostly emotionless throughout the entire two hours, although Anja sensed the sorrow that he was trying to hold back. Today though, she just wanted him to talk, to unburden whatever he felt he wanted to. They would deal with the emotional issues later. Even though his answers were short, and he did not even begin to cover the scope of what he was feeling inside, Duo left Anja that day with all sorts of memories floating in his mind. Memories and feelings that, for the past two years, he'd forced himself to push down where they couldn't hurt him. Now, opening these unhealed wounds so they were fresh again, Duo returned to his bedroom, laid face down into the pillow and cried for all he was worth.

In the weeks to come, Heero and Quatre attempted to try getting Duo back into the swing of everyday life, but were met with some resistance. Having spent so much time alone, it became plain to see that Duo was now preferring that, rather than joining in with his friends. Heero would stay with him in his bedroom for hours at a time and they would just talk, sometimes until they both nodded off, but besides an occasional visit to the rec room to watch TV, Duo insisted on remaining in his bedroom. He did take his meals with everyone else, but generally ate in silence, and the characteristic differences in him now versus three years ago had Quatre unnerved, to say the least. This just wasn't Duo.

At first, progress with Anja was very slow. Duo had started to put up the same wall that he'd erected around himself when Dr. Westin was the one questioning him, but with Heero there to talk things over with, he eventually relaxed and let down his defenses. Talking about what hurt him was difficult. Extremely difficult. Every session ended the same way - no matter what progress had been made, it would be finished off with Duo crying in his bedroom, feeling the pain of whatever old secrets about himself that they'd uncovered that day. The one that hurt the most was the one that was responsible for most of his troubles. The secret of Duo's detachment from himself and from all people, his guilt for everything. Guilt, as Anja had told him, was a very powerful emotion, and was almost always unfounded, but most people never figured that out. Yes, he could definitely agree it was an enormously powerful emotion, but he would be hard pressed to understand that his was for naught.

It was after a particularly upsetting session that Duo, still unwilling to come to terms with himself, went out of the confines of the estate to "walk for a while" to calm himself down.

Part 10

Duo walked to clear his mind, going wherever his feet took him. He did realize that, being in the middle of the desert, he should have stayed and found a private corner at the estate and sulked there, or better yet talked it out with Heero, but this time he just had to get away from everything. If he happened to get swallowed up by a dune after getting lost in the endless sea of sand, then so be it. But for now, he just walked and sulked and occasionally cried, the setting late afternoon sun of the Arabian desert beating down on him, coloring his skin a more healthy-looking bronze color.

Guilty. That was what kept repeating itself in his head - how guilty he was. He'd been over it a million times; the fact that no matter how strong, no matter how capable he was, he just couldn't do what he was "supposed to" do. He was never there for the ones who depended on him. He was never at the right place at the right time, and he was never able to protect those important to him. After all the fighting for freedom and for protection of loved ones, he's allowed his to, one-by-one, be taken from him. As silly as that all really was, he'd convinced himself of this truth and couldn't talk himself out of it.

Anja was trying to help him, but he wasn't sure if he knew how to LET her help him. Every memory brought out more sadness, and all the sadness was surely driving him back the way he came - to the nut house. It was very easy to talk about changing the way he felt about himself - doing it was a different story altogether. Also troubling the longhaired man was the fact that, although his logical mind knew that it wanted to be done with these feelings of worthlessness, his body, his internal being, reveled in them, as if the only thing in his life he could count on was for those familiar pains to be there. So, say as many times as he did that he wanted to be happy, he still couldn't let go of the 'comfort' that the feelings of blackness that lived within him brought. It was like a bad addiction - no matter how hard you want to quit, you keep going back to the lions den.

Lost in his misery, Duo walked and walked, mumbling to himself the whole time as if her were carrying on a conversation with someone. Head down against the winds, which were picking up a bit, he finally stopped to just stand there a few minutes, his mind blank, he rather enjoying the emptiness of thoughts in his head. Turning his direction to go back to the estate, Duo started walking yet again. From the looks of the setting sun compared to when he left, he estimated he'd been out for about an hour, so he'd better get back before people started worrying about him. It took a while, but eventually that possibility did occur to him - people worrying.

Eventually the wind had picked up enough to make the flying sand sting his bare skin, making his arms and face pink. Trying to hold his head even further down against the barrage of tiny assailants, Duo pressed on, thinking that he'd be to the compound shortly. The night was as black as tar, and stars shone light white diamonds in the sky above, yet there was very little natural light to help him see. When he'd wandered for close to an hour and hadn't found what he was looking for, Duo experienced the sinking feeling that he was in trouble.

"God damn it," He said aloud, wiping sand off his face for the hundredth time. "Just fucking great. Duo Maxwell...you ARE a real moron sometimes." Hoping that his disappearance had already been noticed, Duo contemplated what to do about his predicament. Really, there wasn't much that he could do, so he continued on slowly, stopping to huddle himself into a ball on the sand when the gusts got bad and he couldn't see a thing, resuming his walk when it had quieted a bit. Although it would have made sense for him to just stay in one spot, he reasoned that he'd be easier to spot if her were standing and walking. He certainly wasn't traveling at any great speed, that was for sure.

By the time dinner was served in the small dining room it became obvious that Duo was not around. Quatre had gone to his bedroom to call him, and not finding him, went after Heero to see if Duo was there. Not finding the other man with Heero, the two set out to systematically scour the expanses of the mansion to find him, coming up empty handed. The next thing that Quatre did was question the help staff, and luckily one of the maids had interacted with Duo as he was leaving the house.

"He said he was going to return in an hour or two after he had some time to himself." The girl replied with worry in her voice, realizing that Duo hadn't come back yet.

"Damn it!" Quatre blurted, jumping past Heero and heading toward the back of the house. "He should know better...He should KNOW not to go out into the desert like that!"

Heero jogged right behind Quatre, who led him outside and to a tiny shuttlecraft. "He isn't thinking, Quatre."

"Yeah...obviously." The blond man answered sarcastically. Darkness was falling, and it was a common thing for sandstorms to pick up in the evenings due to the temperature changes as the sun fell. In a sandstorm, they'd never find him, so time was of the essence. "Get in!" Quatre yelled, as he and Heero boarded the little shuttle and prepared to take off.

Quatre piloted the shuttle away from the expansive estate compound and out into the open desert, both he and Heero scanning the ground beneath them for any signs of Duo. He flew as low to the sand as he could, but the engines from the shuttle kept blowing up sand, so they were forced to look from a distance using binoculars. He could be anywhere in the never-ending landscape of dunes and plains. Generally finding someone lost in the desert at night was a very difficult thing to do. During the day, the blinding sun reflecting off the dunes hampers one's vision, and at night there are either sandstorms, or a sky so black that it's hard to see beyond a few feet. They were already beginning to have problems with wind gusts and dust devils - as the little windstorms began to gain strength, the shuttle was getting tossed and bumped and blasted repeatedly. They would soon have to go back, or risk crashing the shuttle.

"I can't believe he did this," Heero began, his face pressed behind a pair of binoculars as he looked through the shuttle windows. "Especially after all the bullshit we just went through to get him here."

Shaking his head, Quatre sighed. "We've been out here almost two hours Heero - the storms are worsening. I don't think we're going to find anyone tonight, but we can come out again later if the winds subside. If we have to, I'll call on the Maguanacs to help us with their mobile suits." With sullen faces the two former Gundam pilots returned back to the Winner estate, anxiously awaiting the sandstorm's passing.

The two stayed up all night, planning a route to search for Duo, and just before dawn the winds died down. Quatre had made contact with Rashid and requested the aid of a few mobile suits, and there were four of them ready and waiting by the time Quatre and Heero emerged from the mansion ready to start. The six men discussed their plan, and soon the four Maguanacs were off, striding their way across the cool surface of the barely lit desert. Seeing them off, Quatre tugged Heero in another direction.

"We're going on foot." The blond announced confidently.

"On foot." Heero responded, not as a question, but rather as a statement.

Quatre explained. "We have radio contact with Rashid and the men, and we need to be on foot for when they find him. We'll go where they go." He was grinning at Heero's expression of amusement when a stable hand led two stunning desert-bred Arabian mares up to them, saddled and ready to go. "You DO remember how to ride, don't you?"

Preparing to leave, to catch up with the Maguanacs, Quatre adjusted the girths on both horses and made sure their water supplies were secure. Satisfied, he swung himself in to the saddle astride a beautiful chestnut whose coat shone like a copper penny. Following suit, Heero mounted his silver dapple-gray mare and adjusted himself in the Bedouin saddle. The two wrapped their upper bodies in bishts, light-colored cotton robes for protection from the hot sun when crossing the desert, and covered their heads with ghutras, and one would swear that they were a couple of native warriors to look at them. With a nudge of the heels the two men were gone in a flash, their quick little horses springing to life and devouring the desert floor before them.

Part 11

The two riders were able to catch up with the mobile suits after about half an hour, not wanting to push the horses too hard, since there was the potential that it would be a very long day. Once they were among the four Maguanac suits, they trotted to keep pace, diverting here and there to crest sand dunes for good views. The horses were much quicker to get around with, but the vantage point from horseback was small, so this combined method of man, animal and machine, they hoped, would find their friend. Quatre kept in contact with Rashid via a handheld intercom and the six men were able to scout out large areas quickly with the two horsemen hill-topping and the mobile suits detecting objects and movement far in the distance.

By mid-morning, the desert sun was out completely and the temperature had risen to a sweltering degree. Quatre and Heero, covered in their wraps, were equally sweltering. Heero's silver mare glistened with sweat, and Quatre's chestnut was coated with lather that was continuously drying to a salty crust on her coat. The search party had already stopped once to rest the horses and let them drink from the water they each carried, and everyone was moving on, following the planned route. Rashid guided the party by using his mobile suit's navigational equipment, ensuring that no one else would get lost, as Duo had.

"Master Quatre." Rashid hissed over the intercom hanging on Quatre's saddle. He picked up the device and pulled his horse up, looking in the direction of the mobile suits as he listened. "Ahmed has picked something up on his scanner...not another rattlesnake this time. Bigger. It could be him."

"Where?" the blond man asked. Shielding the sun from his eyes with his free hand, he scanned the horizon.

"Seventeen degrees due east of us, about a half kilometer off." The intercom hissed again.

"We'll check it out." Quatre replied, motioning to Heero to head off east. The two horses trotted away, quickly becoming two small dots on the landscape. The four mobile suits waited where they stood, making certain not to move out again until the two riders had returned.

Heero and Quatre rode the coordinates that Rashid had said, Heero holding his compass open in one hand as he posted to the smooth gait of his horse's trot. They'd traveled quite a distance from the Maguanacs and hadn't come across anything, and were beginning to think that they'd either passed it, or it was some kind of an animal that had since left the scene. Quatre radioed back to Rashid.

"There's nothing here." His voice was dry and tired, as was he.

After a few seconds, Rashid answered. "It's there - I have it on my scanner too. Keep looking!"

Riding further out, passing a big boulder and a scattering of scraggly brush, Quatre and Heero scoured the sand as far ahead of them as they could see. They reached the foot of a huge sand dune and, standing in their stirrups to take their weight off the horse's backs, they ascended the hill slowly, petite hooves sinking in the sand as the horses huffed and grunted their way to the top. Looking around, intercom in one hand and the reins in the other, Quatre was taken by surprise when his horse leapt the final distance to the top of the dune, only to find something within inches of her hooves just on the other side of the crest. Before stepping down with her forelegs, the agile mare bunny-hopped, pushing herself off again with her hind legs, clearing the obstacle before her, unseating her rider, sending Quatre somersaulting backward out of the saddle. As the horse slid down the side of the sand dune on her haunches, Quatre came crashing down at the top just over the crest, landing next to whatever it was that his horse had hurled herself over.

Clearing his head for a moment, he shook sand out of his ghutra, then turned to look beside him. It was Duo. He was partially covered by windblown sand and lying chest down, his head turned to the side. His braid sat atop the sand looking like the wick on a candle, or another rattlesnake. Eyes wide, Quatre shook his friend, and then started frantically pushing sand off him. Duo was unconscious, but thankfully he was breathing.

"Quatre!" Heero was yelling from the top of the dune as his horse gingerly descended it. "Are you OK?"

Standing with his hands raised to his brow, protecting his eyes from the sun's blinding glare, Quatre cried out to the other rider. "Heero! I found him!"

By the time they got Duo to the other side of the sand dune, Rashid and the others were already waiting on the ground to assist in any way they could. Duo was alive, yes, but according to Abdul, probably collapsed from exhaustion if he fought the sandstorm all night. His physical condition not what it used to be, the wind had probably whipped him until he couldn't go on any longer and collapsed. Luckily, he'd only been missing for less than a day, so, while he was surely dehydrated, the degree of dehydration was probably not critical.

"Duo is a tough boy." Rashid said in his deep, gruff voice. "He will be fine." Hoisting the braided young man into his mobile suit with him, he instructed the others to make sure that Quatre and Heero got back to the estate safely while he went ahead at a faster pace with Duo. Then with one suit leaving the scene and the others waiting to go, Heero realized that the horses were nowhere to be seen. Giving a whistle with his fingers, Quatre called to them. First the gray popped over the top of the dune, making her way down the hill to stand beside the blond man. A few minutes later the chestnut followed.

Heero smirked, looking at the horses standing in front of them. "Cute."

"They like me." Quatre shrugged, smiling innocently. Then he mounted his horse.

The remains of the search party arrived at the Estate a few hours later, hot, sweaty, tired, but relieved. Handing off their horses to the stable hand, Quatre patted his mare, who was blowing hard, moderately spent by the day's events. "Please wash them down well, and give them an extra feed today after they've cooled off Khalid, they've worked very hard." Then the two former Gundam pilots retreated into the house to find out how Duo was doing.

Entering the bedroom, Heero held a finger to his lips to signal to Quatre to be quiet, and the two silently crept to the side of the bed where Duo slept. Pulling an armchair up beside the bed, Heero sat, crossing his leg over his knee, while the other man hung back and stood at the foot of the bed. Silently they sat for many minutes, lost in their own thoughts as they both watched protectively over Duo. The rise and fall of his chest along with the sound of his breathing was mesmerizing. Someone had cleaned him up some before putting him in bed, and he lay, chest bare and hair unbraided, soundly sleeping and unaware of his guests. Exchanging glances, the two onlookers collectively sighed.

"Heero..." Quatre whispered in a barely audible voice. "I'm going to go take care of a few things now that Duo is safe. Will you be staying here with him?"

Heero nodded. Quatre excused himself and left the room, leaving the Japanese man alone with a sleeping Duo. Propping his fingers up into a steeple formation in front of his lips, he closed his eyes for a few minutes to relax. Some thirty minutes or so later he was awakened from his light slumber by the sound of sheets rustling. Rising from the chair, Heero went to sit at the edge of the bed as Duo slowly regained his consciousness with blinking eyes and an expression of confusion. Once he was able to focus on Heero, Duo opened his mouth to speak, by coughed instead.

Swallowing hard, he tried once more, this time with a little bit of success. "What h-happened?" Duo croaked. There was sand still in his mouth, as well as in his fingernails and rooted in his scalp. Feeling itchy, a hand automatically reached to his arm to scratch it, causing him to wince and look at his sunburnt skin.

Heero cleared his throat. "I was about to ask you the same thing. What's going on, Duo?" His tone was accusatory, and mildly annoyed. Duo didn't answer. "You know...I figured you had a hell of a lot more sense than to go traipsing off in the middle of a desert. You could have died out there. Or was that your intention?" Heero stared coldly at the longhaired man in the bed, expertly covering up the anguish that his heart was feeling at that moment.

"I...I wasn't trying to kill myself Heero." Duo stammered. He lowered his head, his bangs covering the view of his face. "I needed to be alone."

"So you go out alone in the damn desert!?"

Surprised by the harshness of Heero's comment, Duo looked up at him, tears welling in his eyes. "Heero...you don't understand. Nobody understands. I just...needed...to get away. To talk to myself alone. I...I just started walking - I wasn't trying to hurt myself. I just wasn't thinking.

Heero looked away, then back at Duo. "You sure weren't." The expression on his face was one of annoyance, but his blue eyes deceived him, letting Duo see his concern.

"You were worried about me."

There was a hesitation before Heero answered quietly "Yes."

Giving a sniff, Duo wiped away a few tears that had run down his cheek. "Heero?"

The Japanese man replied with a short "Hmm?"

"Would you come and lay here with me?"

Would he come and lay there with him. At first Heero did not move a muscle to go toward the bed, and Duo's stomach sank. Then rising from the armchair, Heero walked around to the other side of the bed, pulled off his shoes, and slid under the sheets beside Duo, who had moved over for him. Lying there together, Duo breathed a huge sigh of comfort and relief, pushing himself against Heero's body, the other spooning him. He lay his arm over Duo's waist and pulled him closer, sighing into the back of his neck.

"Heero?" Duo whispered sedately.

"Yes?"

Duo hesitated. "Do you think there's something wrong with me?"

Heero opened his eyes. "I think that you don't like yourself, that's what I think. Even though you should."

Duo turned himself in the bed to look at the Japanese man. Leaning on his elbow, he continued. "I can't like myself, Heero. Because look at me...look at the things that I've done. I've gone through my life knowing the right things to do, and doing them because I knew it was supposed to be that way, but not 'feeling' that it was right. I've gone through my life with this hatred in me...that I can't even explain. I don't know if it's me that I hate, or everyone else, but one minute I'm consumed with all this pain, and the next, I don't feel anything. So I just do things, with no feeling at all. It took me a long time to figure all that out, Heero, and I hate myself because of it."

Reaching a hand up, Heero moved a wisp of hair out of Duo's face. "Can I give you some advice?"

"Yeah."

"Stop hating yourself for things you had no control over. It took me along time to realize it, but I was doing the same thing. That's partly why I pushed you away before." His eyes were serious now, holding Duo's attention as he spoke. "The pain will kill you if you don't let it go. I don't want to see that happen, because I'm now finally realizing myself how much better life can be when I do that. I want us to be happy together, Duo."

Duo half-smirked, his eyes portraying his disdain. "I don't know how to let it go, Heero. It's everywhere that I am, reminding me all the time that I've done some lousy things." He lay back down on the bed, snuggling his head under Heero's chin. "It makes me feel so isolated, so alone - makes me feel like I'm going to eventually do something to hurt everyone that's important to me, and I'll be alone forever. It makes me angry, and I lose my mind sometimes. I don't want to be alone, Heero, so sometimes I feel like I'd just rather not be at all."

"Look around you. Does it look like you're alone?" Heero kissed the top of Duo's head lightly. "Quatre's here, Trowa and Wufei are here if you need them, you have a great job waiting for you if you want it...and I'm here. And I'm telling you that you need to forgive yourself for being a victim of a society at war, Duo. None of what's happened has been your fault. You were simply an instrument, like me, used to realize an objective. You weren't around to know this but, after you left, I had to go talk all this out with someone too, because I was headed down the same path. The wars. It still hurts me today sometimes, but we have to move on, or we'll never be able to enjoy the freedom that those others died fighting for in the first place."

Hugging him closer, Heero rested with Duo in his arms, thinking about the irony of the situation - he being the one to be convincing Duo that he really was a good person. After the years he himself had spent being nothing short of an emotional rock, now here he was comforting his love who was experiencing the same pains and self doubt that he did. When he got to be so analytical and compassionate was beyond him, but he was at least glad that he could wake up in the morning now and not hate himself for being a pawn in the chess game of life. He only wished he could somehow get Duo to realize the same thing. A few fleeting thoughts milling in his mind, Heero was soon fast asleep, as was Duo, the two cuddled together, secure in each other's arms once again.

Part 12

Seated in the library of the Winner Estate, Anja Winner and Duo were having one of what had turned into his bi-weekly sessions, making some headway. He was getting a crash course in psychological healing, in efforts to get him back on track, emotionally and mentally. They each sat in a comfortable armchair, a coffee table between them. The room was handsome - filled with all sorts of books in every size and description, and conservative leather furniture conducive to giving a comfortable place to read. An exquisite Turkish rug covered most of the floor, its hues adding to the serene nature of the room. Anja had picked this room to meet with Duo because it was quiet, and gave a feeling of calm. It was a good place to reflect on ones self.

She was a good psychiatrist. Very good. Her likable and trustable personality made it very easy for Duo to open up his thoughts to her, once he figured out how to express himself. She asked enough questions to keep him talking, yet not enough to bore him with lecture. She was very quickly able to pinpoint Duo's problems, and gradually they began working toward a resolution, a realization of why he was feeling the way he felt, and what he had to do to change it. With her short blonde hair and warm smile, Duo was beginning to look forward to his sessions with Anja, even though many times he still left her company feeling worse than when he'd gone. She was giving him lots of things to ponder, and after the initial sadness that was always uprooted with every session, he spent a lot of time thinking, and coming up with his own reasoning for things. Today they were delving even deeper into the depths of Duo's being.

"OK Duo...did you do what I asked last time?" Anja thought very highly of releasing one's emotions through art or writing, so her "homework assignment" for him was to create something - anything - that explained his feelings, whatever they were. Standing, he pulled a folded sheet of paper out of his pocket and handed it to her.

"It's a poem." He said. Stopping for a few minutes, she read the poem to herself.

This Thing That Lives Inside Me

There is this thing that lives

Inside me...

I'm not really sure where

Or what it is.

But it's black.

Inside me I can feel

Its blackness

There is this thing that lives

Inside me...

Maybe in my psyche

Or in my soul

And it devours me from within.

Ripping into my being

With claws and teeth

There is this thing that lives

Inside me...

And it has a chokehold

On my mind

Creating chaos and discord

Every time it makes

Its presence known

There is this thing that lives

Inside me...

Wreaking havoc on

What is me.

Speaking in tongues,

I hear its voice leave

My own lips

There is this thing that lives

Inside me...

It's started to take control

Of my thoughts

Turning them black

The same blackness

As itself.

There is this thing that lives

Inside me...

And it holds my heart

As its prisoner

Weighing it down with

The heaviness of hopelessness

And despair

There is this thing that lives

Inside me...

It's determined to claim me

As its prize

Taking me to the edge

Of my own existence

To see if I'll jump.

There is this thing that lives

Inside me...

Now standing in the path

Between me and you

Between me and life

Laughing at me

Mocking

Because this thing that lives

Inside me...

Has made me weak and

Too tired to fight

Through its relentless

And unyielding attack

And it knows it.

But this thing that lives

Inside me...

Even in my weakened state

I will still fight to stand against

Because you asked me

Not to leave you

Alone.

After a long pause Anja asked "Is that other person Heero?". Duo nodded silently. She spoke again. "Tell me why you think you're such a bad person, Duo." Her sapphire-blue eyes connected with his deep violets.

He hesitated to collect his thoughts before he spoke. "Because...I don't know why...because badness follows me."

"What do you mean 'badness'?"

"I don't know if it's bad luck or bad Karma or what, but it just follows me, and it hurts me." Duo answered, letting his head droop.

Anja continued. "How does it hurt you?"

"It takes things from me. Important things."

"Like your parents?" Anja's gaze was still on Duo, even though he would not bring his eyes to meet hers.

After a pause, Duo started again. "My parents, my friends, the people who took care of me while I was little. Everyone who has ever meant anything to me. So...sometimes I think that's why I am the way I am - because this follows me, and that's what fated me to be who I am. A killer. Heh...friend, enemy, what does it matter, right? It got to a point where I was so hardened by it all that I didn't get sad anymore." Duo looked up again and into Anja's eyes. "Not being sad...that really scared me. That I could take a life and keep right on going like nothing had happened. Pull out my sword for the next one before the blood had even dried."

For a few moments, neither said anything. Anja was thinking about Duo's words before she replied. Adjusting in her chair she said to him "So, if I'm understanding you, what you are really feeling is that, for whatever the reason, you are the cause of the deaths of all these people. And you feel guilty because you feel no remorse."

Duo nodded. "Yeah, I guess."

"You know, after learning all that you've told me about your past, it seems to me that the main problem lies in this guilt, this anger with yourself. But quite honestly, you have nothing to feel guilty about."

"Don't I though?"

Anja smiled. "No. Not really. Because the events in your life just simply happened. You had the unfortunate 'luck', if you will, to be born during a time of hardship and war. Whether you were there or not, it all would have happened anyway. But I feel that what you've allowed to happen is this guilt to dictate to you that you have lost important parts of your life because of something that YOU did...and all you did is live."

With a quizzical look on his face Duo replied "I don't understand."

This guilt...this pain in you, telling you that you are a monster. I think you've convinced yourself that you're a bad person, thus, that you are deserving of everything that happens to you that is bad. In a vicious circle, the bad feeds the guilt and the guilt feed the bad. So you are miserable all the time."

"But what about the hate and the sadness?" Duo straightened in his seat, surprised by the fact that what Anja was saying was actually making sense in his head.

"Depression and emotional beatings will eventually do that. Make you not care. Make it so that it doesn't hurt anymore, so that you wind up feeling nothing. I think that's why you came out of that Institution in such bad shape. Because on top of what you had already been dealing with, you were faced with the mistreatment, and there is only so much abuse that the human mind can take before it shuts itself off from any stimuli that could potentially cause more it pain. The trouble with that is that it cuts off the good feelings too."

Duo sat, silently, repeating Anja's words in his mind. Could it be that simple? It all felt so much more complex, so heavy. Everything that Anja was saying made perfect sense...on paper, at least. But even so, the big evil, the guilt, still remained, promising to continue to haunt him eternally. He must have had a look of question on his face at that moment, because Anja spoke again with some more suggestion about how to remedy his feelings.

"You have to start by relieving yourself of guilt, Duo. Learn to like yourself. Let Heero help you - he cares a lot about you."

The rest of that day Duo spent quietly considering his session with Anja, and how it all affected him. This time though, he went to the stables and sat in one of the stalls with a pretty flaxen filly when he wanted to hide. Patting the horse on the nose whenever she came over to sniff at his face, Duo thought about his childhood, and all the people he'd known who had passed on, and then about the wars and his gundam. In a different light - the light that most other people saw him in - he could be considered a hero for what he did, enabling the peace that was enjoyed by everyone today. It would take a while, but he thought that perhaps he could eventually sway his way of thinking enough to influence his emotions in a more positive way. Heero wanting to get back together was a big part of that too, and this time, Duo could tell that he was serious. Having the love and acceptance of the person that, right now, was the most important in his life would definitely help. After everything that Heero had done to ensure his safety through this entire incident in his life, Duo was sure that he was that person.

That night, as he was preparing for bed, Heero popped his head in to say goodnight "Come in." Duo said, wanting his company. Entering the room, Heero turned to close the door behind him, then sat next to Duo on the bed. For the first time since he'd been found in the Institution, Duo gladly took notice of Heero's body, and the fact that he looked absolutely beautiful wearing nothing but a pair of gym shorts.

Feeling Duo's eyes roaming over him, Heero cleared his throat. "Umm...How're you feeling?" Leaning forward, Duo placed a tiny peck on the tip of Heero's nose, and for the first time in his life, he saw the Japanese man blush. Just a little bit, but it was a blush all the same.

"Thank you, Heero." Duo whispered. He was fiddling with the long end of his braid, a little bit nervous.

Smiling slightly, Heero questioned "For what?"

Grabbing his hand and holding it, Duo's eyes lit up to a sparkling amethyst. "For finding me, not once, but twice; for wanting to help me, for figuring out that you needed me...all of that, Heero. For making me realize that there is at least one person out there who loves me enough to put up with all that crap so that I'm not alone." Heero didn't respond. He didn't know what to say. As he was getting up to leave, Duo asked "Please stay? I don't want to be without you." Then turning off the light, the two got into bed together, Heero wrapping himself protectively around his braided koi.

Epilogue - 6 Months later

If You're Heart Is Aching

Just Remove The Shame

You've Got To Want It

Give Your Soul A Shaking

And Refuse The Blame

You've Got To Want It

` excerpted from "Runaway Train" by Geddy Lee, from the album My Favorite Headache

Sitting on the edge of the deck fence, Duo stared out into the ocean, watching the setting sun. The sky was painted a wash of violet and purple and red, a beautiful canvas from nature. The wind picked up a bit, and he pushed a stray wisp of hair behind his ear. He liked watching the phases of the sun and the moon - there was something wondrous about it all. It calmed him. A couple of albatross scurried across the shoreline as the waves rolled in, running back to stay dry, then forward again to pick at the little gifts the tide had brought them.

Listening to the voice of the sea, Duo half-smiled, content. It had been a long time since he felt content. It felt good. His hair loose and blowing in the cool evening breeze, this was a moment that could not be duplicated, except maybe by doing it again the following evening. He was the picture of serenity this evening...his ripped and faded blue jeans and over-sized, inside-out sweatshirt and bare feet. Today, at least, life was reasonably good. Sure, there would be more therapy in the future, and bad days with the good, but for now, everything was nice.

Padding up behind him and also in bare feet, Heero crept over and slid his arms around Duo, pushing his nose into the long tresses and taking a deep breath. "You OK?" He asked, always concerned about what dark thoughts could potentially be lurking in the expanses of his koi's mind. Heero paid careful attention to Duo's moodiness these days.

"Perfect." Duo answered, leaning back on Heero. They watched the ocean like that for a few minutes, simply enjoying each other's touch and presence.

"You still wanting to call everyone tonight about the weekend?" Duo had suggested that they invite the three remaining former Gundam pilots for a get-together weekend before their two weeks at the beach rental was through - a kind of "family gathering" of sorts. He felt the need to reconnect with the ones that had been so important in his young life. He especially wanted a chance to thank Quatre for all of his help while Heero intervened in what would probably have turned out to be Duo's demise. Together they, along with Sophia and Anja, pulled him from the brink of extinction, and now that he was able to realize that, it was that much more important to him.

"Yeah, I do. I really want to see them all. I want us to be together in the same place, just for a little while, so I can realize how good I've got it. I want to feel that feeling...of loving and caring. Like you, Heero."

Heero kissed the back of Duo's neck. "Then call them we will. They'll come. I know everybody has been very anxious to see you after all this time, and knowing how depressed you've been. I think it will be a nice surprise for everyone to see you feeling good again."

"You know something, Heero?" Duo said, eyes still fixated on the ebbing tide. He sniffed the air and tasted the sea salt on it.

"Hmm?"

"I wouldn't be here right now if it wasn't for you." He paused. "I'm glad you finally came around, so that you could save me from myself."

"Me too. I'm glad I came around too, Duo. I think we both got the salvation that we needed."

~Owari.