Title: Confide In Me

Author: Roseclaw

E-mail: roseclaw@yahoo.com

Website: www.roseclaw.com

Categories: Dark, Angst, Death, Taboo, Depressing/Tear-Jerker? Graphic, Unfinished Series

Sub-category: non-anime

Part: 1/3

Fandom: Harry Potter

Arc or Series: Come What May

Rating: This part PG

Pairings: O/P, F/G/F (side)

Warnings: Besides the aforementioned ones, Twincest, Yaoi, Lemony, POV

Summary: Percy sells himself

All rights and privileges to Harry Potter are copyrighted trademarks and property of J. K. Rowling, Warner Brothers, and all peoples associated. The characters of these fictions are used WITHOUT permission for the entertainment purposes only. This work of fiction is not meant for sale or profit. As if anyone would actually pay money for this thoughtless drivel. And even if they like it, it's right here and money is not required. So there! Bottom line: I don't own them I just like to play God with them. Like an ant walking back and forth across my feet for what seems like miles upon miles. Or a bug with a magnifying glass as it slowly burns into nothingness. *Ahem* Yes, I don't own them. Never have. Never will. *Sigh*

Have you ever been loved? Fully, unconditionally? Friend? Family? Lover?

Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever known what it's like to be, just be a part of something?

Have you ever messed something up so horribly that you don't know how not to drown?

Have you ever been given a chance to make everything right again?

Have you ever loved someone who in turn loved you?

Am I repeating myself?

Has anyone ever said a heartfelt 'I love you' with tears of joy dancing in their eyes?

Did you say 'I know, I love you too' and mean it? Were you sure it was love?

Don't answer. I already know. Of course you have. Why not? Anyone would - and has already - fawn all over you, with love, with lust, with the need to be noticed.

I haven't done any of it.

But you don't notice. I tag along, I make my own friends - friend. But sometimes friends don't cut it. Sometimes…

One can only take so many 'no's before one starts to doubt one's worth.

No, this isn't a suicide note. I'm not that yellow. And even if I did, then what? There would be guilt. People can overcome guilt; they shove it in the back of their mind so it doesn't consume them. I'd be forgotten in a small amount of time. Then where would I be? Dead? And that doesn't do me any good.

Have you ever felt so alone, so pitifully sorry for yourself that you only wanted to crawl into a hole and die, drowning in your own selfish tears? Not the clichéd alone like in need of a good snogging, but the kind that you need human contact, to touch someone, to prove that they were really there and weren't some hologram - the metaphor is lost on you, but what else is new. Not to know that somewhere is a mutual comradery, but to know that there is something that runs deeper than that.

No. Everything is no.

'No, you can't do that'; 'No, you can't do this'; 'No, I don't think of you in that way'; 'No, no, no, no!'

If I ask a question, will you use that answer?

You would be trapped in a paradox.

How would you escape? Would you blurt out the answer without thinking? Or would you show it with body language?

No, I'm just being over ambitious.

Would you yell at me? Berate my words?

That's good. Just scream and shout at the person in an already shit mood. Under normal circumstances, I would just glare, putting you in your place. But this is not normal - at least for me. I might snap. That would be messy and I don't want you to pick up the pieces alone.

I wish I could talk to you about this, but I can't - won't rather. Not only that, but at the moment I'm shunning all human contact. Yet that's what I need most. I don't even understand how my mind work, why should I expect others to? I mean, all humans want contact from one another, fearing loneliness. Well, fear be damned, maybe I'm just not human.

I am beginning to doubt my humanity. I've been shying away from social events, even eating dinner in five minutes to be rid of them as soon as possible. And here I am wondering why I have no human contact. Gee, all I have to do is pretend not to be upset when I really am and not run away from you and them.

Yeah. It's just as easy as it sounds. I get rid of the rot in my head and I'm cured.

For some odd reason I don't think that that is going to work. Call it a hunch. I still jump and scream Bloody Murder when someone touches me - an aggressive touch, a violent one, even a come-on. I need to cure myself of that first. I've ended up scaring many people that way.

They seem to be angry with me of late. Ignoring me, giving me nasty looks, as if I were an undesired bug that needs to be squashed - like Skeeter the Mosquito. You've been looking at me like that, too. I have no problem with people annoyed with me, mind - they've been angry with me for some reason or other my entire life - I just want a reason, it's all I ask for. Even teachers have been looking at me crossly, and any moment I expect them to spit in my face. Of course Professor Snape always looks like that.

And my family - I'd rather not go there, but now that I have mentioned it, I might as well continue. They have already proven that they couldn't care two shits about me. Even one. Mum and Dad want me to be someone I'm not. I can't compete with anyone in my family either - anyone at all. I've given up trying, but no one noticed. But I am sure that I will never be an athlete or a scholar or witty or an adventurer or have an appealing sense of humour - I don't want to go into that at all, I don't even know why I started on the path toward my family.

Worst of all is my romantic life. I have none. I've already established that fact. Sometimes I enjoy the solitude. Sometimes it really gets to me. I guess it also gets to me that I've *never* had one. Ever. And I hate it. I hate always using logic, never acting on impulse. If I just took what I wanted I would have less friends than now, if possible. I know that the only reason I have friends is because they want a middle person, a safe person to lend an ear and suggest a way to woo. Here I am seventeen, giving romantic advice to my three younger brothers, my sister, Hermione, Harry, without any experience to back me up! I even once gave advice to Oliver.

I have helped Harry understand his feelings of Cho and the even more confusing ones about that Malfoy. He talked for hours one summer eve about ways to talk to them, to make a positive move instead of a negative one. Of course I told Harry that it was only natural to be attracted to your rival. He asked me how I knew that, but I quickly brushed it off as nonchalantly as I possibly could. Being the youngling that he is, I'm sure that he thought nothing of it. In our talk, however, I neglected to mention Cho and Cedric.

Ron I helped come to terms with his thoughts on Hermione. It is rather odd that he thinks so strategically during a chess match, yet with women he is completely clueless. He is only thirteen, so he does have ample time to learn.

Hermione was surprisingly easy to talk with; she knew what she wanted and what to do once she had it, but was missing that crucial step in the middle: how to obtain Ron. I suggested jealousy. Knowing Ron all his life, it was obvious as to what gets to him the most. It would be my weakness too, if I were the sixth child, not the third. Hermione thanked me, even discussed her battled plans with me. I pointed out how some of them would work better than others and how to execute them flawlessly.

Ginny I talked to for almost three days on end. She obviously had an enormous crush on Harry. She said that she also talked to another guy about male views; naturally I thought nothing of it until after people started getting petrified. I told her how to get Harry's attention, strangely leaving out the rather large part about his double crush on Cho and Malfoy.

The twins were the first to come to me, though, and their predicament was the most challenging of all. Fred came to me first out of the two; his problem was the most moral shaking and as he put it 'down right sick and wrong.' I did not see it as such and I told him. He scoffed me and left. The next week George came to me with the same problem and the same termology to his 'sick and wrong' dilemma. I told him the same thing I told Fred and he, too, left. He tried to at least. I grabbed him by his arm, pulled him into a hug, and told him to go for it. We then talked for so long I lost track of time, him in my arms. It was strangely comforting to hold someone… I was in so good of a mood I let it 'accidentally' slip that Fred had come to me earlier with the same problem. George thanked me, immediately bounding off to find his twin. From that night on those two have been together sexually and I've been known as the 'romantic helper.'

Even Oliver came to me with girl trouble, which was quite odd considering he doesn't lack beauty or brains, he did, however, lack communication; he couldn't talk about much else but Quidditch - a bit of a conversational drawback. So for practice we role-played. I was 'Alicia' (he kept changing her name and Alicia was the first one he gave) and he was himself. As 'Alicia', I had to keep reminding myself that I was not myself and that Oliver wanted some girl and that he didn't trust me enough to even give me her name. We then talked about absolutely nothing. Halfway through a sentence he leaned over and cut me off with a quick kiss that lasted for a blissful eternity. My first kiss. And I wanted it to be him. Four years of want went into that kiss. But I was not me, I was 'Alicia', and I pushed him away explaining that it would work on '*Alicia*', not mentioning that it had worked on me too. He thanked me and we continued our conversation as two friends, not two love interests.

I wanted more, though. Four years and I finally received a small sampling, doing nothing more but arousing my hunger. I wanted him more. Badly. But some people are untouchable. So I shoved all possibility (the 1/100th of a millimetre) out of my mind.

But I'm the middle person; I can't feel for the people who want my help. I have to help them, not complicate matters.

I'm the safe person, you can tell your secrets to me. After all, whom would I tell?

Trust me, I'll sort out your innermost desires and ask for nothing in return. I just give and give, expect nothing, ask for nothing, receive nothing.

I don't care about being used. It's the only human interaction I can get.

You can confide in me.

~*~*~

A/N: Man, I read this aloud and it sounded so ruddy hilarious! In the pathetic sort of way.