"Boys don't cry, but they do bleed."
//"Are you lost?"
Heero opened his eyes slowly, cold cobalt orbs focusing on a small form above him.
An angel?
No... only a child... a little girl... and her puppy.
Innocence.
Heero looked away, not replying, expecting the little girl to leave, but to his surprise she sat down beside him with her puppy, her large, curious eyes watching him.
He waited for her to say something to him... but all she did was stare at him, nothing but trust and interest shining in those bright cerulean eyes.
Heero closed his eyes, ignoring the small child beside him, silently willing her to go away. He had no time for little girls or their puppies. This was a mission... she would only get in the way if she stayed too long beside him.
But yet the little girl stayed, never moving from her spot. He wanted to yell at her to go away... tell her that she shouldn't be here with someone like him. That he would kill her... or that she should be off, playing 'tea-party' with her dolls or something, not sitting with a perfected soldier.
Perfected killer actually.
But for some reason - hesitation stole over him - Heero couldn't bring himself to do anything but answer the little girl's question with what he knew to be true in his soul.
"I've been lost all my life..."
A small, warm something nuzzled his cheek, and Heero felt a wet object come in contact with his skin. His eyes flew open as he pulled out his gun... and he found himself staring into the chocolate brown eyes of the small puppy, whose pink tongue was lolling dangerously close to his cheek.
The puppy too, had an air of innocence and blind trust. It licked him again and yipped happily as it grinned at him.
Why was he surrounded by so much innocence?
But more importantly...
Why did he care?
Maybe it was because that was the first question someone had asked about him. A question purely based on concern. For him.
Heero's mind immediately stopped weaving its taunting questions and answers as he felt something silken brush across his face. Heero blinked, and his hand instinctively went for the gun again - but stopped midway when he realized that he was staring into the face of a flower.
Heero pulled away slightly, and looked back up at the little girl, the red petals still slightly caressing his face. He didn't understand.
"I hope you find your way someday!" the little girl piped up as she held the flower to Heero's face - an offering of child-like hope.
Giggling, the girl dropped the flower on Heero's surprised visage and ran off with her puppy to explore what else the new day brought... already the boy she left behind fading into her memories.
Heero took the flower into his hands, and stared at it for a long while, wondering what it all meant.
Suddenly, the scarlet flower burst into angry flames, turning a deep crimson and leaping into the air. It ravaged across the colony, destroying everything in its path... and straight for the little girl.
All Heero could do was cry out silently as he watched the little girl and her small puppy drown in the merciless flames...//
Dark, sapphire eyes snapped open to find that they were staring at a blank, decaying ceiling. A trembling hand came to fall over a paled face - trying desperately to ward off the images of those bright eyes that seemed to burn right through him.
Full lips were pinched into a thin line, slightly quivering from the surge of emotion building in his heart. Heero squeezed his eyes shut tightly, wrapping his arms around him, fending off the sudden chill that swept through him.
He felt empty.
Are you lost?
He felt alone.
I've been lost all my life...
But most of all...
I hope you find your way someday!
He felt guilty.
An image of the remains of the small puppy flashed across the darkness of his mind.
Lifeless eyes... blank. Devoid of any spark... it was wrong. The once ever -moving tongue dangled morbidly from the little puppy's still smiling mouth while its small body was crushed in at odd angles. So cold... blood trickled down Heero's hands... and into his heart...
A strangled cry escaped from his throat, echoing harshly in the air as Heero tried to block out the image. He could feel the stinging prick his eyes but he would not cry - he wouldn't.
Boys don't cry.
Heero forced his white knuckled hands to release their bruising grip on his body, and pulled himself out of the crude bed. The sweat-soaked white blanket pooling around his feet as he stood, making him appear as if he was drowning...
Calling on the strength he had been so ruthlessly taught, he smoothed out his ragged breath, pushing down the wave of emotion threatening to overcome him. He had to calm down... he wasn't supposed to feel. He was supposed to be a soldier.
A killer.
Walking stiffly as if the whole weight of the world was on his shoulders, Heero headed over to his ever-glowing laptop sitting on the cheap, peeling desk. He stared with disgust at his shaking hands as he opened a hidden compartment in the side of the laptop.
A small disparaging smile flickered across the normally stoic face as nimble fingers, stained with so much blood, picked up one of the blades. They were made of bone.
The puppy's bones.
Heero had taken the puppy, after Dr. J had scolded him, and taken out the bones... carving them into small, wicked blades. And with them, he mourned for the little girl's and the little puppy's deaths - because it was all his fault.
His fault.
He had killed innocence.
And this was the only way he could mourn.
As the little girl left, giggling merrily along, she said something... something he almost missed.
"Boys don't cry!"
Heero looked after her, and then brought his hand to his face, and under the soft petals of the flower, was an unfamiliar wetness...
Tears.
Heero blinked, staring dumbly at the blade of bone he held - the flesh of his thumb running over the sharpened edge, drawing droplets of crimson. As Heero watched the scarlet liquid course out, he pressed the blade deeper into his thumb, feeling the blade grate against his own bone.
He swiftly pulled out the bone blade with a sickening sound of flesh tearing bit by bit. He then imbedded the blade again into his thumb, but this time in a different angle. Again, he pushed forward until the blade grazed bone, and then pulled out jerkily, taking pieces of flesh with it.
Heero smiled as he planted the blade into his thumb again, reveling slightly in the pain that it drew. Pain he could take... but not guilt.
Heero brought his bloodied thumb to his face, seeing the familiar pattern he made. The three lines he had made intersected each other in the middle, creating the image of a crimson flower with six petals... just like the one the little girl gave him.
Watching the thick liquid stream along his hand in a tiny rivers, Heero continued cutting each finger with practiced precision, the same shape appearing every time. He was once again holding the delicate flower, and he could feel the soft petals caressing his fingers.
But these were the same fingers that pressed the destruct button... the same fingers that set off the explosives... the same fingers that were still stained with blood that would never wash away.
Ruby trails of guilt streamed from the flower shaped slashes, immortalizing the shape and color into Heero's now deranged mind. The small bone razor dropped, forgotten, onto the floor as red raindrops showered the cracked wood in small puddles, seeping into small crevices, now forever stained.
Heero brought his crimson-gloved hands to his face, seeing once again the eternal flames of death dancing around the little girl and her puppy...
Are you lost?
The flames grew.
Are you lost?
The flames grew.
Are you lost?
"Stop it! STOP it! Please... I... I ... don't... know..." Heero pleaded softly as he jerked back - away from his hands - his face now stained with sickly crimson patterns. He shook his head violently as he sank into a fetal position on the now spotted floor, trying to somehow erase the question out of his mind.
He held his hands above his head - as if someone was going to attack him - scarlet tendrils flowing down his arms in torrents, dripping steadily onto the floor.
Are you lost?
Are you lost?
Are you lost?
Heero suddenly got up from his kneeled state, madly running to his laptop for another blade... pain would make it all go away... go away...
He reached the laptop, blood dripping off his face and fingers as he blindly grasped another bone blade, deeply slashing the same floral design into his palms and wrists, not caring that he hit veins.
The blade of bone suddenly crashed into the ground, having been dropped by Heero's trembling, scarlet soaked hands, shattering into shards. A sudden familiar 'beep' had jostled him out of his frenzy of guilt.
His ruby shot eyes glanced over at the flat screen of the laptop, scanning with feral attention at the words. He stared for a long moment before letting out a wild cry, slamming his bloodied palms against the perfect laptop keys.
Another mission...
Another little girl.
Another puppy.
Another death.
No.
He couldn't do it... not again...
The image of the little girl and her puppy being consumed by flames bombarded his shredded mind, and he felt the welt of guilt rise in his throat while fresh tears glistened in his smoldering, sapphire eyes.
Boys don't cry.
After furiously wiping his eyes, bloody fingers roamed over the laptop keys, smearing the cool, ebony keys with scarlet as they typed. Ruby bands continued to rush through the delicate slashes, running off the open skin and falling onto the laptop.
Heero only had time to press the enter key as a veil of midnight abruptly grasped his consciousness. As Heero's form crumpled onto the stained floor, a small voice echoed through his mind... whispering. Silence invaded the room, taking it for its own -
Drip...
Drip...
Drip...
- except for the still flowing crimson streams...
Open, cobalt orbs stared blankly at the eerie light shining from the laptop screen above... the last typed words still burning on the screen...
Boys don't cry.